


What Did You Bury?

by Zoasyte



Category: The Walking Dead (TV), The Walking Dead - All Media Types
Genre: Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Blood and Gore, Child Abuse, Daryl Has Issues, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotionally Unstable Character, F/M, Graphic Torture, Hurt Daryl, Hurt Rick, Jealous Daryl, M/M, Miscommunication, Non-Graphic Rape/Non-Con, Oblivious Rick, Past Torture, Protective Daryl, Psychological Torture, Rick has to make a decision, Self-Destructive Rick, Slow Burn, Unresolved Emotional Tension, Unresolved Sexual Tension, dark themes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-13
Updated: 2016-04-02
Packaged: 2018-03-12 06:46:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 9
Words: 36,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3347480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zoasyte/pseuds/Zoasyte
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>No one really understands how important timing can be until it turns your life upside down. <br/>A few minutes hesitation or maybe rushing in too fast can change so much about a person. Timing can literally change the course of your entire life. Bad timing and miscommunication lead Rick down a path that he normally would not have chosen. A path that is leading him away from Daryl and the terrifying things he makes Rick feel. Will Rick be able to find his way back? Does he even want to? </p><p>But the real question he keeps asking himself is how can you reconcile being someone's second choice when they have always been your first?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Obfuscate

**Author's Note:**

> So this is my first trip into this fandom and I am incredibly scared and nervous...like really really nervous!  
> This is the first story I have completely mapped out and I'm really excited to finish. Hopefully you guys will like it too. Please keep in mind I will be adding more tags as the story develops. Oh and just to be clear I love Beth she is a great character and I have no intention of making her or Carol the bad guy. Its just sometimes things are not always what they seem...but then again sometimes they can be worse then you imagined depending on your perception. Confused yet?  
> Comments and suggestions are STRONGLY encouraged! I'm very open and depending on the response I might end up changing a few things. The more comments I get the faster I write and if anyone is interested in being a Beta let me know! Thanks I hope you like it ;-) 
> 
>  
> 
> “Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.” ― Mark Twain  
> _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

It was stupid really it shouldn’t have been such a big deal he should have been able to let it go. It wasn’t even his fault really, he didn’t know goddamn it!

 

Rick hadn’t realized what he felt for the hunter until it was too late and now all he had to keep him company was hindsight and a pile of regrets. He had acknowledged an attraction to Daryl long ago, shamefully lusting after the angry and standoffish man, while at the same time trying to reach out to his very pregnant wife. Rick hadn’t been concerned when he caught himself admiring Daryl’s arms or staring a little too long at his mouth whenever the hunter would nervously bite at his bottom lip, a habit Rick both loved and cursed. Rick had no idea when his physical attraction towards Daryl had some how morphed into this well of emotion so strong that just thinking about the man hurt.  

 

It wasn’t even the first time Rick had felt an attraction to a man. He was self aware enough to know that gender had never been a deal breaker for him, he could appreciated a physically beautiful man just as easily as he could a gorgeous woman. Beauty was beauty if he was attracted to someone, then he found him or her attractive he never liked putting labels on anyone, especially himself.

 

But just because there was an attraction with someone didn’t change the fact that Rick had never been the type of guy that just had sex for the sake of having sex. He had never just jumped into bed with anyone. That mentality probably explained why he had only ever had sex with Lori. He had been in love with her; he had felt an emotional connection to Lori. Rick had truly never questioned his decision to wait until he got to know someone before he had sex with them. It was just a life choice he had made at a very young age and it was a choice that he had been comfortable with. It just so happened that the first person he had ever felt comfortable being really vulnerable with, he ended up marrying.

 

Sure sex was fun. Rick loved sex – sometimes to an unhealthy extent if one where to ask Lori in the early days of their marriage. However, despite having an unusually “healthy” sex drive Rick had always been incredibly loyal – that’s probably why Lori’s affair with Shane had hit him so hard. Lori or Shane, whoever had made the first move, really hadn’t waited very long to jump into bed with each other, maybe two weeks at the most - if that.

 

Rick had never once straying from his vows, he had known that getting married so young and only having had sex with one person might leave him with some regrets, but he was ok with that. He had loved Lori so much back then, had been so sure that it would last forever that his missed chance to “sow his wild oats” didn’t really bother him.

 

There was only one time really, one missed opportunity that he still sometimes thought about, even to this day. It was right after Carl had been born and both Lori and Rick had been extremely stressed. They had been strapped for cash; with Rick still in the police academy and Lori unable and unwilling to go back to work with a newborn to take care of, they had started to fight constantly. The anger and resentment had begun to take a toll on his marriage, and those long lost regrets had started to rear their ugly heads. There had been this one cadet, Rick never got his name, who had the most mesmerizing green eyes and lips that looked softer then sin.

 

It had been the night he had graduated from the academy, Rick had been so tired of fighting with Lori and just so happy to be away from her for just one night that he had let his guard down. Rick hadn’t realized how many shots his friends had bought and he had enthusiastically thrown back until he felt a hand on his thigh, slowly creeping higher and higher with each shot he took. That’s when Rick had jerked away and looked up into the face of the most breathtaking man he had ever seen. At least that’s what his inebriated mind thought; Rick had seen the guy before at the academy. He wasn’t in Rick’s graduating class, he was maybe a year or two behind, but despite being obviously younger then him, he sure as hell wasn’t shy. The younger cadet had proceeded to hit on Rick with a single-minded determination that would have been impressive if it hadn’t been so mind numbingly frustrating. Rick had kindly turned him down…with great difficulty and some very blue balls, now that he thought about it.

 

Had Rick second-guessed that decision over the years? Did he sometimes look back at that moment, even now, and wonder what if? Sure, of course he did, especially when Lori had been acting particularly frigid.

 

That green-eyed man had been the star of quite a few of Rick’s jerk-off fantasies. But the simple fact was if Rick didn’t feel an emotional connection to someone, no matter how incredibly attractive they were, he just couldn’t seem to find the will or desire to have sex with them.

 

Who knows maybe that made him a freak, maybe that just made Rick old-fashioned. Hell, maybe he was just a masochist who enjoyed causing himself unnecessary pain and agony for shits and giggles. Because honestly that’s sure as fuck what Rick was feeling now, sitting in the middle of the woods on a very uncomfortable rock trying so very hard to just breath.

 

All he could feel was this mind numbing pain radiating from his very bones. Looking back Rick should have seen it, should have recognized it for what it was when it first started. God, he had been so angry with everyone at the time, especially Lori, which in turn made him willfully ignorant to anything he didn’t want to acknowledge. Not to mention Rick HAD been a little pre-occupied trying to keep everyone alive.

 

It started that winter...that long lost god-awful, fucked up winter that’s when everything had changed. Before the prison and after the farm, that winter still held some of the worst moments of his life. Trying to keep everyone safe trying to keep them fed, a job that Daryl had been much more successful at then Rick. Trying not to notice the gaunt skeletal frame of Lori’s already petite body, grossly contrasting with the heavy swell of her belly. Trying to push through and forget the sharp cut of Carl’s collarbone and the dull dead look in his eyes. That was the winter his son had lost any hope for a childhood. That was the winter Carl grew up way too fast and Rick had no choice but to let him.

 

Well maybe that wasn’t exactly true, Rick really hadn’t _let_ his son grow up he just hadn’t done anything to stop him.

 

Carl had quietly pick up a gun and start acting like a mini version of his father, not because Rick needed the help and not because he had wanted his son to be able to defend himself, which of course Rick had. Really it had been because Rick hadn’t given Carl any other choice.

 

Had it really been necessary to allow his eleven-year-old child to clear a room by himself?

 

Had it been all that vital to allow Carl to kill so many walkers that winter?

 

No…the brutal truth is Rick had been so busy staring at Daryl’s ass and wondering what his mouth tasted like, what that spot behind his ear smelled like, to even notice that more often then not Carl had been the one to keep Lori safe. Carl had been the one standing between her and a walker nine times out of ten.

 

God! Rick had been such a complete fucking asshole! He had been so lost, so desperate for a distraction to the horrors all around him. So desperate for something to take his mind off the fact that he was watching his wife and child die that Rick had thrown himself into Daryl.

 

It hadn’t been fair. Not to Lori, not to Carl or to Rick and it sure as hell hadn’t been fair to Daryl.

 

But by that point Rick really hadn’t given a damn.

 

The worst, the absolute worst moment of that winter had been the moment Rick realized that Daryl didn’t mind. Rick had been using the other man, and Daryl knew it and didn’t seem to care.

 

Rick had been reaching for an escape and Daryl had gladly given him a hand up. He knew Rick was tired and broken and hollowed out and Daryl still gave him what he wanted… the hunter’s attention.

 

No matter what had been going on, no matter if they had been in the middle of fighting off a horde or if they had been out hunting for food Rick knew Daryl’s focus was always on him. And if it wasn’t he knew he could get it. Like an owner snapping his fingers and their dog would come running, that was how quickly Daryl would focus on him…only on him.

 

And he had loved it, Rick had eaten it up.

 

Now as self-deprecating as he knows he can be Rick also realized it hadn’t been completely one-sided. Daryl wasn’t an innocent by-stander, not by a long shot. Along with the focus and attention he also remembers Daryl’s jealousy.

 

As they say hindsight is 20/20.

 

Rick hadn’t seen it at the time or maybe he just hadn’t wanted to, but Daryl could be one hell of a jealous asshole sometimes. In fact, anytime Lori had touched him or tried to talk to Rick alone, and he truly means any and every time, there had been Daryl hovering in his periphery. Rick had felt those viscous blue eyes staring holes into the side of his head until he couldn’t help but turn away from the lost and scared eyes of his wife and focus on the much more appealing cobalt blue of his hunter. Because at least Daryl’s eyes hadn’t reminded him how much he had failed, his eyes hadn’t screamed at Rick that he was a coward and a murderer. The hunter’s eyes had been calm and sincere and they had made him feel like he could do no wrong.

 

God he had been so fucked up and Daryl had just added fuel to the fire.

 

Rick remembers what the others had said behind his back, he heard the comments about the so-called “Ricktatorship”. Everyone in the group, including Hershel, had held him to a higher standard and judged him much more harshly then they would have anyone else. Because it had been Rick that had dragged them out there. It had been Rick that had forced them to stay together and survive. They probably thought he had been half out of his mind back then.

 

Hell, they still probably thought Rick was half out of his mind, but in the end they had just been letting out some pent up frustrations. Rick knew that ultimately everyone, to this day, were all extremely grateful to him for taking on that leadership role and carrying the heavy weight that came with it.

 

He also knew that they had been truly afraid of him back then.

 

And to some extent maybe they still were.

 

The one thing Rick had never once seen in Daryl’s eyes when he looked at him, even when Rick had been at his worst, was fear. Daryl had never nor would he ever be afraid of him and Rick will never be able to express how much he loved him for that simple fact.

 

And there it was, the crux of the matter, the tiny little innocuous four-letter word that has basically ruined his life.

 

LOVE. Who knew that such a simple word could hold so much power and cause him so much damn pain.

 

Things had changed once the group got to the prison, not right away, not all at once. It was a series of drastic cataclysmic events that had changed Rick from that self-absorbed unfair callous bastard he had been over the winter, to who he was now.

 

It had started with Lori’s death and Judith’s birth, Glenn and Maggie getting kidnapped by the Governor, Merle re-appearing, Daryl walking away from the group…from him.

 

That one had been hard. Yeah Daryl came back, but only because Merle had pissed him off. Rick had been at his lowest he had just lost his wife and started a war with a madman for Christ sakes! And the man who had come to mean so much to him, the man who Rick thought valued him just as much as he did walked away!

 

Huh, seems he still held some resentment towards Daryl for that little incident.

 

Maybe Rick wasn’t as self-aware as he thought he was at the ripe old age of forty.

 

Then there had been Merle’s death and the Governor’s attack, the decision to bring back the Woodbury people. But the most startling and gut retching event, the moment when Rick realized he had to make a change was when Hershel confronted him. When it finally got through his thick skull that his son was a murderer.

 

That’s when he knew he had to stop. Not just for Carl but for himself as well. It was getting frighteningly easy by that point to make decisions that could cost someone their life. It had been second nature to look at a stranger and instead of seeing someone who needed help Rick saw either a threat or an asset.

 

It reminded Rick of that villain in one of Carl’s favorite comics, one of the ones Michonne brought back from a run. The character had been insane with half of his face deformed, he would flip a coin to decide who would live and who would die.

 

Rick hadn’t wanted to become a villain, he hadn’t wanted to become a monster and he damn well was not going to let his son turn into one either.

 

So Rick had taken Hershel’s suggestion, he had put down his gun and picked up a shovel. Things had been rough with Carl at first but after months of trying he was finally getting through to his son. Their relationship would always be strained; there would always be an underlining feeling of resentment and anger that Carl would probably never be able to let go of. But at least they were taking steps to rebuild some of what they had both lost.

 

So while Rick’s relationship with Carl and Judith had been getting better and he had started to feel human again the prison flourished. The council made all the decisions, the original group mainly Hershel, Carol, Glenn, Maggie and even Daryl, had all taken on more of a leadership role and the Woodbury people started to find their place at the prison. Everyone had a job and a purpose; everyone had something to do besides just survive.

 

That’s when it happened.

 

That’s when Rick realized that he was missing something – or actually someone, namely Daryl. It wasn’t like Daryl wasn’t around; in fact Rick probably spent more time around Daryl then anyone else, except his children. But Rick had started to notice that Daryl didn’t look at him the same way, he started to miss that burning stare, that complete and almost obsessive focus. There were no more fleeting touches or intimate invasions of his person space, no gruff southern drawl breathed directly into his ear. But the most noticeable absence had been the way Daryl use to make him feel. Rick still felt that ever persistent fire burning low and hot in his belly whenever Daryl was in the same room as him. But the way that feeling would flare up and make him catch his breath whenever the hunter stood too close or looked at him like he wanted to devour him. That feeling, Rick is starting to realize as he sits on a rock - in the middle of no where clenching his hands in his hair, happened less and less these past few months.

 

Rick had been so focused on rebuilding his relationship with his son, raising his daughter and trying so damn hard to avoid anything leadership related, he didn’t even notice when it happened.

 

Rick didn’t even notice when he had started to lose Daryl. Well, maybe not lose him exactly he was still physically there. But his fucking interest certainly ended up somewhere else. It didn’t really hit Rick until this morning actually.

 

He had woken up earlier then usual, the sun wasn’t even up yet it was maybe an hour till dawn and everything was quite. He lay in his bunk trying to figure out what had woken him. That’s when he had heard Judith whining in her crib; she had been standing up, her nose barely reaching the railing caging her in. She had given Rick one of the most annoyed looks he had ever received and if she could, she probably would have been tapping her foot with impatience.

It had been adorable! But before he could bust out laughing Judith’s face had started to crumple, he jumped up and started rocking her to calm her down before she could wake everyone up. Once she had settled Rick had changed her diaper and headed down to the common area to make her a bottle. That’s when he remembered that he had left the opened can of formula in the diaper bag, which Rick had left in Beth’s cell. Ever since Beth had started to take over babysitting duty, so he and Carl could work on the crops, Judith’s things had slowly started to get split between both of their cells.

 

Rick hadn’t wanted to wake Beth up this early especially on her day off, but he also hadn’t wanted to open a new can of formula when one was just opened yesterday. Formula was hard to come by now a days and Judith was starting to run low. Eventually Rick had decided making the formula last longer was more important then letting Beth sleep in.

 

Looking back on it now, that was quite possibly the stupidest decision of Rick’s sad pathetic little life.

 

He had walked towards Beth’s cell as quietly as he could with a fussy hungry baby and had slowly pulled back the privacy curtain to Beth’s cell. Carefully peeking through the sliver of an opening Rick had made, in an attempt to make sure Beth was covered and decent before he snuck in to grab the diaper bag. It had taken Rick a few seconds for his eyes to adjust to the dim light but when they had he really hadn’t been able to process what he had seen. It was still beyond his comprehension, because there had been Daryl.

 

Sprawled on his back.

 

The sheets bunched up under his arms.

 

With no fucking shirt on.

 

Laying peacefully in Beth’s bed.

 

It’s kind of funny actually, there Rick was standing in the doorway of Beth’s cell, half naked himself, with only some pajama pants on holding a very annoyed Judith staring at the man he loved, laying naked in someone else’s bed. It had honestly felt like someone had reached in and ripped all the air out of his lungs. And all Rick could think at the time was “That’s my fucking shirt laying on the floor!”

 

It was only when Rick had noticed Daryl jerk awake and flail about, presumably reaching for his crossbow, that he realized he had spoken his thought out loud - very loudly actually.

 

Rick had stood there frozen, feeling his chest tighten in a way he had never felt before, desperately trying to hide the fact that he couldn’t breath. As Daryl sat up and tried to get his baring’s, that’s when Rick noticed Beth’s golden crown of hair rising up from behind Daryl’s body. At that point Rick had started to feel a stinging sensation prickling behind his eyes. He had looked away, not wanting to see the expression on Beth’s face when she realized that he was slowly falling apart in her doorway. Rick hadn’t wanted to see the look of pity that was sure to be in her eyes when she put two and two together…and he knew she would.

 

There is no doubt in Rick’s mind, as perceptive as Beth is, that she hadn’t at least suspected he had feelings for Daryl.

 

And only a damn blind fool wouldn’t have been able to figure it out when he KNEW the heartbreak had been clearly written on his face, despite how viscously Rick had tried to hide it at the time.

 

“Rick?” Out of mindless reflex, he had looked up at Daryl when he had heard his name. Daryl had blinking up at Rick with a lost confused look on his face. Rick had never, in his life, wanted to punch someone as badly as he did Daryl in that moment. Rick had stood there, watching as the reality of the situation had started to set in for Daryl, watching as comprehension slowly filtered into the hunter’s eyes and a look of horror had crashed down onto his face.

 

“Fuck! Rick no its not what you think please!” The only time Rick had ever heard Daryl’s voice that high and desperate was in the middle of rescuing Glenn and Maggie. When he had pleaded with Rick to let him go get Merle, after finding out his brother was alive in Woodbury. And that had sure as shit not been a good memory to recall in that moment, because ultimately that had just reminded him of when Daryl had walked away. It reminded Rick of how he had just stood there and watched, in shock, as the most important person in his life turned his back on him when he had needed Daryl the most!

 

And that’s when he remembers getting very very angry, fuck did Rick get pissed! He hadn’t cared what he looked like or what Daryl’s excuse was. In that moment Rick hadn’t cared that he could feel one of the tears he had tried so fucking hard not to shed burn a trail of fire down his cheek. For some fucking reason all Rick had cared about; all his grief stricken mind had let him process, in that humiliating moment, had been the fact that Rick had been looking for that fucking blue shirt for a week and APPARENTLY Daryl fucking Dixon had had it this whole fucking time! And now it was on Beth Greene’s FUCKING floor!

 

“Fuck you Daryl!” he had blinked away the water in his eyes; Rick refuse to admit they were tears. He had stood very still, clenching his jaw so hard that even hours later it still throbbed.

 

”That’s my fucking shirt you asshole!” Rick’s voice had cracked at the end; he had never heard such a vicious tone come out of his mouth, especially not directed towards Daryl.

 

Several things happened at once, no doubt sensing his pain and responding as only a devoted daughter would, Judith had begun to wail like a banshee. The sound had shocked Rick into action and he had rushed into the cell grabbing up Judith’s diaper bag and snatching his shirt off the floor. Daryl, who had been in the process of getting out of the bed and extending a hand to reach for him, had jerked back and slammed his head on the bedpost at Rick’s sudden movement into the cell. The sound had made Rick cringe and feel viciously satisfied all at once. Daryl had then gripped the sheet closer to his chest with one hand and reached back to grab the back of his head with the other, a painful sounding groan slipping past his lips.

 

Up until that point Rick had been extremely careful to NOT look over towards Beth. He had been so afraid of what he would have seen. A look of smug satisfaction on Beth’s face was easy to imagine or maybe a bright red love bite staining her slender neck.

 

It hadn't felt right having such unkind thoughts of such a sweet girl. But since that sweet girl was, at the time, laying in bed half naked with the man Rick had just realized he was in love with he really couldn’t give two shits if he had been unfair towards her.

 

As hard as Rick had tried to avoid looking at Beth, he couldn’t avoid the brief glimpse of pale smooth leg he caught sight of. She had called out to him, struggling to get out of bed.

 

 “Rick! Wait please you don’t understand! Please just look at me for one damn second!” Beth had sounded so angry at the time... and what damn right did she have to sound angry!?

 

That was the last coherent thought Rick remembers, before he rushed out of the cell and back down to the common area. By that time either the rising sun or the commotion Judith had caused had brought out several people for breakfast. He remembers spotting Carol coming down the stairs and thinking that he had never seen a more blessed sight. Rick ran up to her and before he could get a word out she had grabbed up a screaming Judith from his arms and pulled the diaper bag off his shoulder. Carol had looked at him with such concern and worry; Rick could feel the stone blank mask he had forced over his face start to crack.

 

“Rick, sweetie what’s wrong? Is it Carl did something happen?” Carol had been mindful of the people milling around them so she had kept her voice low, she reached out a hand and placed it against his cheek. That little bit of kindness had almost been Rick’s undoing; he had reached up and covered her hand with his leaning into her touch.

 

God when was the last time anyone had simple touched Rick for the sake of just touching, with even a remote bit of kindness.

 

But then he had heard that familiar gait, a walk Rick would recognize in his sleep. He had jerked out of Carol’s hand and straightened his back, anger and rage had begun to crash down on him, but Rick had made damn sure to keep the emotions off his face - this time. Carol had looked over Rick’s shoulder then, no doubt spotting Daryl walking towards them. He saw Carol’s eyes widen in surprise and confusion, probably in part, to the fact that Rick still had HIS blue shirt clenched in his hand. Which meant Daryl was stomping towards them either shirtless or in his vest without any shirt underneath. The later is the more likely possibility considering the hunters shy nature. Well Rick had thought he was shy but apparently not shy enough to keep his fucking dick in his pants!

 

Honestly, Rick wasn’t sure what Daryl had been wearing because he never bothered to turn around and look at him.

 

Rick still remembers the look of dawning realization that swept over Carol’s face, he remembers with perfect clarity when she realized what cell Daryl had been walking out of and he definitely remembers the look of angry accusation she directed towards the approaching man. In that moment there was a small part of Rick that had felt bad for Daryl, that look on Carols face directed towards the hunter must have hurt him terribly. But that feeling of sympathy had vanished almost as fast as it had appeared when the memory of Beth’s naked leg flashed through his mind.

 

The sound of Daryl’s footsteps had stopped suddenly behind Rick. Carol had looked away from the hunter and towards him instead, and bless her steel heart, there had been no pity in her eyes. She had leaned in close to Rick, a finally calm Judith wrapped securely in her arm, and with her free hand she had run her fingers through his curly disheveled hair, grasping the back of his head. She had placed a delicate kiss on his cheek and whispers “anything…anything you need Rick I’ll take care of it. It’s going to be ok.”

 

Rick had bitten his lip hard enough to draw blood, the pain being the only thing that had kept him from breaking down. He touched Carol’s hip and had whispered “Thank you…just…please give me 5 minutes that’s all I need.”

 

Rick had tried to hide the desperation in his eyes and voice but he is pretty sure he failed miserably. All he had been thinking or even feeling in that moment was this overwhelming, almost suffocating desire to just get the fuck away!

 

Carol had looked over his shoulder one more time, hand still grasping the back of Rick’s head, a determined expression crossed her face as she silently stepped away from him and nodded her head once. Rick had taken that as his cue and sprinted for his cell, angry voices followed behind him steadily getting louder but he ignored them. Rick threw on some clothes, NOT the blue shirt. That Rick had thrown into the corner of his cell in disgust. He slammed his boots on and grabbed his knife and then, Rick ran.

 

Everything after that was a blur.

 

Rick didn’t remember going through the gates of the prison or jogging into the woods, he didn’t really remember how long he had been walking and he couldn’t recall what direction he had been traveling in. Rick couldn’t say how he ended up sitting on this rock, in the middle of a clearing and he sure as fuck didn’t have any idea how he had managed to let some one sneak up on him.

 

A someone who seems strangely familiar and who happened to have the greenest eyes Rick has ever seen, surrounded by lashes that had no right being that long. Not to mention plump full lips, which despite being turned down into a severe scowl, just seemed criminal on a man’s face. Rick, of course notice all of these details first, when he probably should have been paying attention to the gun said green-eyed man was currently pointing at his face.

 

“Well shit, I should’ve just opened a new fucking can.”


	2. Obscure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So we pick up where we left off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so if you haven't figured it out the green-eyed guy Rick mentions in chapter 1 is Dean Winchester. Yes I know I didn't put Supernatural in the tags, but only because I'm not actually using any of the mythos from Supernatural. I like Dean and Sam they're probably two of my favorite characters and instead of going to all the trouble of fleshing out an original character that would end up being a clone of Dean anyways, I prefer the idea of throwing him into The Walking Dead universe instead. So just thing of this version of Dean and Sam at AU versions who never hunted demons and who instead lived semi-normal lives, Sam still went off to Stanford to become a lawyer and Dean wanted to follow in his John's footsteps and become a cop. So there you go I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it! 
> 
> Remember I live for comments, they make my little fingers type faster! ;-)
> 
>  
> 
> P.S. This version of Dean might seem a little creepy but it's really not as bad as it seems.  
> __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

It has officially been two hours since Rick was sober – or even coherent for that matter. He blames Dean, it was completely his fault that Rick now found himself crammed into the corner of a surprisingly comfortable couch, in an abandoned farm house, an unknown distance from the prison. 

That was his name, Dean Winchester, the beautiful green-eyed cadet from Rick’s “almost” one-night stand. And how fucked up was Rick’s world that on the same day he had had this huge epiphany about being in love with Daryl Dixon he also ends up getting his heart ripped out by him. 

THEN, like an idiot, he had run away, gotten lost and had a gun shoved in his face. Rick is still on the fence as to whether or not his current predicament is any kind of improvement from the one he was in two hours ago. 

Rick was, of course, grateful that Dean hadn’t blown his face off. But the fact that Dean’s first statement to him after lowering the gun had been “Son of bitch! You’re the cock tease who blew me off!” Hadn’t exactly put Rick’s mind at ease. 

Of all the people that Rick had ever met in his life, the man who almost made him break his marriage vows was the last person he ever expected to run into again. The coincidences where not lost on Rick. 

After staring at each other, uncomprehendingly and with no idea what to say, the sky decided to speak for them. In a matter of moments the light around them started to darken, and clouds started thundering. A truly unholy down pour had drenched both Rick and Dean in a matter of seconds. Dean had grabbed Rick by the wrist and yelled, “There’s a farm house half a mile east of here we can take cover there! Come on!”  
And since Rick had lost his orientation and had no idea how far away from the prison he was, he didn’t really have a choice but to follow Dean’s lead. 

That had been 2 hours and almost an entire bottle of whiskey ago – very cheap whiskey. 

They had cleared the farmhouse in record time, their common police training allowing their movements to fall smoothly and effortlessly into sync with each other. After starting a small fire in the fireplace and sitting down on opposite ends of a couch, with some rather questionable stains on it, Dean had started to jiggle his leg nervously and threw uncertain glances in Rick’s direction. Finally he had jumped up with a muttered “fuck this” and grabbed for his backpack pulling out the whiskey. The alcohol had made conversation much much easier for Rick. A fact he was starting to regret now.

“So let me get this straight your wife cheated on you, with your best friend…what, like 5 minutes after you were in a coma?”

“It wasn’t five minutes!” Rick didn’t remember Dean being this annoying.

“Whatever, 5 days – sorry! And then you stabbed him?”

“Wow – you’re kinda glossin’ over a rather large chunk of time there don’tcha think?” 

Dean let out a rather undignified snort and tried to smother his laughter.

“What? Why the hell are ya laughin?” Rick snatched the bottle back from Dean’s loose grip, taking a healthy swig.

“Nuthin…it’s just your accent.”

“What the hells wrong with my accent?” Rick tried to aim a pissed off expression at the other man. Only problem was he couldn’t tell if he was looking at the right Dean, there seemed to be two of them now.

“It gets really thick and cute when you’re drunk…I still remember that, I always loved that about you.” Dean slowly blinked his eyes, exhaustion clear on his face. Rick smiled and leaned into Dean, for no other reason then to seek his warmth of course. Rick was still cold from the rain and the damp clothes clinging to his skin; at least that’s what he told himself to justify leaning in and nuzzling his face into Dean’s neck. 

He hated to admit it but Rick was flattered and a little turned on that Dean remembered him so vividly. It made Rick feel good and wanted, two things he hadn’t felt in a long time.

“Wanna hear a secret darlin?” Rick’s voice had dropped to a low growl and his lips brushed the shell of Dean’s ear making the other man’s fingers twitch and a shiver run down Dean’s spine.

“God…I love hearin you call me that.” Rick smirked into Dean’s neck as the younger man reached up and threaded his fingers through Rick’s hair keeping him in place. 

Maybe it was the whiskey, maybe it was the little bit of spite born from the events of that morning, or maybe it was the fact that Rick was tired of being alone; when it was obvious no one else was. But he found himself not caring in the least that he wasn’t in love with Dean or that he barely knew the guy. Rick just wanted to feel something other then heartache; he wanted someone to want him as much as he had wanted Daryl. 

“I’ve thought about ya, darlin. I’ve thought about that mouth o’ yours.” Rick kissed the spot right below Dean’s ear and gently bit his ear lobe, sucking it into his mouth. Dean let out a sharp gasp and reflexively clenched his hands in the other man’s hair. The younger man’s reaction to Rick’s touch was fueling his ego and heightening his arousal, Rick’s mind was blissfully empty of everything except for the beautiful man under him. 

Dean started to tilt to the side, stretching out on his back and pulling Rick down on top of him. Rick lifted up his head and looked down on Dean’s face, tracing the man’s freckles with his eyes. God he was gorgeous it took Rick’s breath away, he couldn’t believe that the man currently lying beneath him actually wanted him. 

Rick leaned in slowly watching the younger man’s reaction. Dean parted his mouth in anticipation, his hot breath ghosting across Rick’s lips. As a tease, Rick stopped centimeters away from the younger man’s mouth, and lightly licked along his lower lip. Dean hissed out a pained whine and leaned up in an attempted to capture Rick’s mouth with his own, but Rick pulled away keeping them separated by a hair’s breath. 

Rick smirked, a wicked gleam in his eye, as he looked down at the other man and settled himself more comfortably within the v of Dean’s muscular thighs. 

“What’s wrong darling? Is there somethin’ ya want?”

“You know there it you goddamn cocktease” Dean groaned softly into the other man’s mouth, the brush of their lips as he spoke was driving Rick insane but he held his place.

“Well now if ya want somethin’ from me, ya better ask nicely.” Rick then proceeded to slowly lay open mouth wet kisses on Dean’s neck, licking and scraping his teeth softly around the other man’s jawline. 

Dean moaned and threw his head back, baring his neck to Rick, he arched his hips and slowly rubbed his impressive erection against Rick’s own hardness, trying desperately to relieve some of the pressure in his straining arousal. 

Rick huffed a laugh into the sensitized skin on Dean’s neck, he was having none of that, if Dean wanted him he was going to have to learn some patience. Rick blindly reached down with his right hand and forced Dean’s hips back down into the cushions of the couch - hard. He leaned away sitting up on his knees between Dean’s legs, removing all touch from him. Dean looked up at Rick gasping for breath with a confused and lost look on his face.

“Why the fuck did you stop?” his heavy breathing making Dean sound more desperate then angry, as he reach up to grab at any part of Rick he could.

Rick had had every intention of teasing Dean just a bit more before relenting. He had only leaned back to see if he could actually get the other man to beg, which in the state Dean was in now probably wouldn’t have been very difficult. 

But the brief glimpse of lost confusion that had flashed across Dean’s face had reminded Rick so strongly of the one that had been on Daryl’s this morning that Rick suddenly found himself disoriented. He sat back on his heels and clenched his hands against his thighs to stop the trembling from being noticed. He cursed under his breath and looked away from Dean’s enticing form. 

What the hell was wrong with him?! Here he was, happily drunk, with a gorgeous man desperate for him and Daryl still invaded his thoughts. He pinched the bridge of his nose hard and tried desperately to focus back on Dean and get his mind back into the moment. 

But it was too late. The moment was gone; it slipped through his fingers just like everything else had today. 

Rick felt more then heard the heavy exhale from the man below him as Dean pulled away and sat up on the couch again placing his feet down on the floor, he scooted close to Rick and gently pulled his hand away from his face. 

“Hey? Rick its ok man.” Rick finally looked up at the younger man and smiled a self-deprecating smile.

“No its not. Its not ok.” Rick sighed and looked up at the cracks in the ceiling, anything to distract himself. 

“I’m not ok.” Rick admitted in a low whisper.

Dean leaned in and brushed a surprisingly loving kiss onto the other man’s throat as Rick tried to swallow down his emotions. 

“It wouldn’t have been right anyways Rick.” 

Dean slumped back into the couch and rubbed his eyes. Rick knew that Dean was tired, but with the haze of alcohol starting to lift he noticed that the exhaustion radiating from the younger man wasn’t a physical kind of exhaustion. 

“I might have given you a hard time earlier, but I know why you turned me down that first time years ago, and it wasn’t because of your wife Rick. And I understand why you’re turning me down now.” Dean sighed and looked up at Rick with a wary expression.

Rick leaned back off his legs and sat properly on the couch facing Dean, he looked at the other man with suspicion.

“What do you mean?”

Dean took a deep breath and gave Rick a contrite look.

“Rick I graduated the Academy a year early, I was promoted to detective faster then any other cop in Atlanta PD. I’m REALLY good at profiling and investigating, not just cases, but people too. I’m not saying any of this to brag, I’m telling you this so you understand exactly what I did too you.” 

A sudden feeling of dread fell over Rick, he wasn’t exactly sober but he was getting there fast, he notice how Dean’s slight drunken slur was very much gone and his heavy lidded eyes were a hell of a lot clearer then they had been just a few moments ago. 

“What are ya saying? Did you investigate me or something?” 

“Or something.”

Rick pushed off the back of the couch and lurch up onto his feet. He looked back down at the man he had been so eager to give up so much to. Rick backed away from Dean, who appeared to be trying to get the couch to swallow him whole. 

“Jesus!” Rick ran his hand threw his still damp hair a bad habit, he suddenly realized, that probably gave away too much to the dangerously observant man sitting in front of him. 

“It wasn’t a coincident that you ran into me in the woods was it?” Dean cringed at the dangerous tone coming from the agitated man pacing in front of him.

“Actually that was a coincidence! I swear!....But, ummm the other stuff not so much.” At this Rick stopped his pacing and leveled a look at Dean that would have made the Devil himself piss his pants.

“What other stuff?” Rick ground out threw clenched teeth, he was starting to get nervous and when he got nervous he got angry. Rick suddenly realized that despite sitting here and talking to Dean for over two hours he actually knew almost nothing about him. 

“Well that depends on what you mean by…”

“What the hell did you do DEAN!?” 

Dean flinched and glanced longingly at his gun, which was sitting on the little table next to the recliner just out of his reach. As apposed to Rick, whom he noticed, was smart enough to pick up his gun the minute he had gotten up from the couch. 

“Look its not that big of a deal it started off as a stupid game… well a bet actually.” 

“What did?” 

Rick was getting annoyed, it was bad enough that he had let his guard down around people who he knew and thought he could trust, but the fact that he had done it around a virtual stranger made him realize just how stupid he had been. 

Actually this whole shitty day had made Rick realize he had been pretty fucking stupid about a lot of things in his life lately. 

“It was Shane’s idea.” Dean glanced up at Rick and immediately started talking faster when he saw the look on Rick’s face go from angry and suspicious to homicidal at the mention of his former best friend.

“Back at the academy we knew each other, not that well really he was kind of a dick. But anyways he came up to me one night at the bar and he started talking about you…and Lori.” Dean’s eyes stayed in the region of Rick’s collarbone unable to meet his eyes.

“He mentioned how you had just had a kid and how you and Lori were fighting all the time and how he thought you needed to get laid, you know just stupid drunk guy bullshit.” Dean looked up trying to read Rick’s expression. “I asked him why the hell he was telling me all this and then he turned around and pointed at you at the end of the bar.” Dean paused and started to shift in his seat, clearly uncomfortable.

“Shane said that a hot piece of ass like you was going to waste on someone like Lori and with cock sucking lips like yours I should do everything in my power to make you realize what you were missing.” Dean mumbled the last part in embarrassment.

Rick took a step back, bumping into the mantel above the fireplace, the fire now turned into embers. 

“Are you fucking insane there is no way Shane said that about me… that’s…that’s just not him!” 

“Uh huh because you knew him so well right?” Sarcasm thick in Dean’s voice.

“He bet me 500 dollars Rick! He said he would give me 500 dollars if I managed to get you into bed or at the very least get you drunk enough to suck my dick on the condition that if I did…I had to tell him, in graphic detail, exactly what happened between us.”

”Shane’s words not mine.” Dean shifted in an attempt to get up, but stopped suddenly when Rick’s gun went from hanging loosely at his side to being pointed right at his head. 

Dean sighed and looked right into Rick’s ice chip blue eyes for the next part of his story.

“Rick I said no.”

“I told him to go fuck himself. I knew he wanted Lori, it was fucking obvious; at least to me it was.” Rick’s hand never waivered despite the fact that his breathing started to get ragged.

“I told you I’m good at profiling people, I’m good at dissecting them. Shane was a narcissist with sociopathic tendencies. How he managed to pass the psych eval I will never know? A part of him wanted you, but he was too much of an alpha male misogynist to realize it. So he sublimated his attraction for you onto the next best thing...your wife.” 

Rick stood there stunned and a little nauseated; he didn’t want to believe anything spewing from this man’s mouth. But it made sense, a lot of things started to fall into place. 

Rick started recalling moments spent with Shane that had seemed off, even before the turn. He remembered the looks Shane would give him that were just a little too manic, looks that burned his skin almost the same way Daryl’s would. 

Touches that were placed on his lower back or neck that were a little too possessive, especially around Lori or anyone who stood too close to him. At the time Rick just blew it off blaming it on too many sleepless nights or too much coffee. But it was kind of hard to deny Dean’s assessment considering the end result. 

“Uh...Rick are you ok you look a little green?” Dean tried to stand up again.

“Sit the FUCK down!” Dean slammed his body back into the couch hands up in a placating gesture. Rick was hunched over at this point, hands braced on his knees, breathing coming out in harsh pants.

“What else?”

“What?”

Rick looked up with hooded eyes, the embers from the fire reflecting in them making them look unnatural like they were glowing; the way a cat’s eyes would in the dark. “What else aren’t you telling me Dean?” 

The other man shook his head. “That’s really it…the other stuff… well, you’re probably not in the right frame of mind to hear or believe any of that.”

“Wait-if you said no to Shane why the hell did you still hit on me that night?” Now Dean started to really look uncomfortable, which was quite a feat considering how uncomfortable the last 5 minutes had just been. 

“I didn’t hit on you that night Rick, at least not the night Shane tried to make that bet with me. I hit on you about 6 months after that.”

“What? I don’t understand. You had nothing to gain from hitting on me. Shane wasn’t going to give you any money at that point, six months later, was he?”

“God, you’re such a fucking moron. Why are all the good ones so fucking oblivious.” Dean leaned back and slumped into the couch covering his face in clear exasperation.

“Fuck! Rick just because I didn’t take the bet didn’t mean I still didn’t want you! Do you know how much I cursed that son of bitch for pointing you out to me?”

“Do you know how many times I wished I could go back in time and just stay home that night? I had no idea who you were until that night and I was fine with that! Happy even…but the minute I laid eyes on you I was gone, I mean I was fucking lost in a way I cannot even begin to describe!”

Dean had worked himself up to the point that he didn’t seem to care about the gun still leveled at him. Rick was beginning to feel completely out of his depth, his emotions had gone from one extreme to the other. Not to mention the fact that he couldn’t quite shake the feelings of want and desire he felt for Dean. Rick wanted to trust him, to have one person in his life not screw him over, was that really too much to ask? 

Rick had trusted Lori, then Shane and most recently Daryl. But all of them, every single one of them, had ripped out parts of him that were irreplaceable. Now, Rick was at the point were he didn’t recognize who he was anymore. 

He wanted-no, he NEEDED someone to put him back together, to remind him he was still worth something. And as Dean came closer to Rick he realized, more then anything, he wanted that person to be Dean. 

The gun was still held firmly in Rick’s had, not budging an inch, even as Dean pressed his chest up against the muzzle. His green jade eyes turning into flint in the low light, Rick met his gaze head on. But as Dean continued to talk in a hushed tone and Rick continued to listen, he felt his anger and indignation begin to seep away and his resolve falter. 

“Do you have any idea how much time I spent thinking about you, wanting you? I tried Rick, I really fucking tried but I couldn’t stop. I’m not proud of it, but yeah I investigated you. Hell I did more then that, I fucking stalked you plain and simple.” 

Dean never looked away from Rick as he said this. A look of uncontrolled possessiveness forming on the younger man’s face; and that’s when Rick felt it. That’s when he started to feel that deeply missed burning sensation in the pit of his stomach, the one that only Daryl had ever made him feel. 

“I hated myself for it Rick. I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror some days because I was so disgusted with my actions and with myself.”

“I was a cop for Christ sakes! I wasn’t supposed to do the things I did, all just to learn as much as I could about you. And the more I found out; the more I wanted you. The more I looked at you, the less I looked at anyone else.” Rick noticed how Dean pressed harder against the gun, he could practically feel the other mans heartbeat through the weapon. 

“It got to the point were I had to imagine your face when I was having sex with someone just to fucking get hard!” Annoyance heavy in Dean’s voice. “I thought once you graduated and left to go be a cop, hopefully, far far away from me, I’d get over it.”

“But I just couldn’t let you go without trying, I didn’t think I could live with never knowing if I actually had a shot with you. So I drank a couple of shots- well, more like six shots, and I went up to you in that bar the night of your graduation.” 

“I still remember what you smelled like; I still remember what you were wearing that night. I knew you so well by that point, even though you had no idea who I was, that I really wasn’t surprised when you turned me down. In all honesty, I think I would have been disappointed if you had let me take you home.”

“I don’t understand.” By this point Rick’s arm was slowly lowering the gun, his head was fuzzy with all the things Dean was telling him. He should be scared or at the very least rightfully upset at the many violations of privacy the man in front of him was slowly admitting to.

But after everything that had happened in Rick’s life and the current state of the world now, he actually felt a little flattered. And as misplaced and dangerous as it might be, that feeling grew with every confession uttered from Dean’s sinful mouth. 

“Rick…you don’t sleep with strangers. You just don’t, you never have.” He felt goose bumps rising along his arms and neck. Rick tried to hide the effect Dean’s words were having on him, he fought to hold on to his anger.

“You fall in love and then you proceed to give them every part of yourself, no matter how unworthy they may be. That’s just the type of person you are, you don’t know how to hold back. You have no sense of self preservation when it comes to the people you love.” Dean slowly placed his hand over Rick’s gun, which was by now hanging at his side. Warning bells were going off in the back of his head but Rick felt paralyzed and numb. He watched as Dean’s fingers grazed the back of his hand and slowly wrapped around his Python. Rick stood still as he let Dean pull the gun out of his hand.

“I kept tabs on you when you started working with Shane as a deputy in King county. I tried to let you go and just forget about you, move on with my life. I had almost accomplished it too, but that’s when I found out you had been shot and slipped into a coma.“ Dean leaned back and tossed the gun onto the couch, well out of both of their reach. 

“I wanted to visit you in the hospital, but I didn’t trust myself around you. I didn’t think I’d be able to walk away if I saw you again. So I stayed away, I kept myself busy, which was freakin awesome for my career, but pretty much tanked my love life.”  
Rick let out a huff of laughter at that, he tilted his head to the side and watched as Dean inched a little closer to him.

“Once the news reports started to come in about people rising from the dead, I knew shit was going to hit the fan. So I started stock piling supplies early on, guns, ammo, water, things like that. I tried to get my brother Sam to come down from Stanford to stay with me, but with him being the optimistic hippy of the family, he just kept telling me everything would be fine everything would blow over. But I knew it wouldn’t.” 

“Ended up leaving Atlanta right before they started dropping the damn napalm.” Dean took another step towards Rick never taking his eyes off the other man’s face.

“I had to make a choice at that point, head west to find my brother or head south to find you.” There was barely an inch between the two men, Dean having successfully invaded Rick’s personal space.

“So then what the hell are you doing here?” Rick’s voice sounded like he had swallowed gravel, he licked his lips and watched how Dean’s eyes immediately followed the movement.

“I actually did head west at first, I thought the chances of you still being alive were pretty much nil. I mean, the last I had heard you were still in a coma when the outbreak reached critical mass. And I really didn’t want my worst fears to be confirmed, so I figured if I never went to check, then I could hold out hope that you were still alive.” 

Dean had a small sad smile on his face that Rick was really starting to love. Dean’s body heat was surrounding him in such a way that it took a great deal of strength to NOT touch him. But Rick worried if he did he would never hear the rest of Dean’s story and this was the most he had learned about the younger man since meeting him and he was hungry to hear more. 

“But I’m a detective thru and thru and I couldn’t handle not knowing. So, despite the odds against you still being alive and having to navigate through the mass hysteria all around me. I turned around and headed to you. I justified it by telling myself you were closer and if I could find you, then maybe I could convince you to come with me to find my brother. Two is better then one in this world; it’s almost a necessity for survival now.” The younger man leaned in slightly and breathed in Rick’s sent, angling his head towards Rick’s neck and lower his voice to a soft rumble.

“Besides, Sam is pretty damn capable of taking care of himself and I have no doubt in my mind that he’s still alive and kickin’ out there; but you were hurt. And knowing what I did about Shane I didn’t trust him to take care of you.” 

The more Rick learned about Dean the more he allowed himself to believe him, but that didn’t mean he trusted the guy. Dean seemed to walk a fine line between obsessive and annoyingly intrusive, Rick was surprised at his own lack of concern at Dean’s behavior. He should really start backing away…any minute now he was going to come to his senses and back the fuck away.

Obviously, Rick wasn’t in the best frame of mind right now, he felt like his emotions had been thru the ringer and then shoved into a blender; the alcohol still clouding his mind slightly really wasn’t helping either. 

He was just so damn tired of constantly being on guard, of always being on the defensive. Rick knew he shouldn’t trust Dean, but he had never had someone want him as much as Dean did. Rick was pulled out of his contemplation when he felt Dean’s warm callused fingertips brush against his jaw.

“It took me longer then I expected to get to you, I ran into some trouble on the way there… and before you ask, no I don’t want to talk about it. Let just say I’m really not fond of how many psychopaths have started coming out of the wood work recently and leave it at that.” Dean lowered his eyes for a moment, but not before Rick caught the flash of anger and shame that drifted across them. 

“So what happened when ya got to King County? And how did ya end up here? And don’t give me any bullshit about coincidences.” Rick finally leaned back out of Dean’s warmth, desperately scrabbling for his lost sanity. He pulled away from the other man’s touch, taking a step towards the couch and his gun. He might want to fall for Dean and give him the benefit of the doubt, but Rick had been burned too many damn times. 

“Looked for you at the hospital, found your room but you were gone already. I was able to figure out that you had probably woken up on your own after the military had come in to try and contain the epidemic. I saw the bed that had been braced against the door to keep the walkers out. The signs that you had woken up disoriented were pretty obvious, so I knew you were alive at least. And really that was all the motivation I needed, so I did what I did best, I tracked you as best I could. Figured you would head to your house first to look for Lori and Carl and on my way there I bumped into a surly black man and his kid.”

 

At the mention of his old friend, Rick let slip a small grin.

“Ok, I’m NOT gonna ask how the hell you knew my address, judging by your skill set that would probably be a stupid question. But the man and kid you met wouldn’t happen to be Morgan and Duane would it?”

“Yeah” Dean smirked and inched a little closer to Rick trying to close the distance he had placed between them. 

“Man that guy was a mean asshole, but I really couldn’t blame him. He was just trying to protect his kid. And he was the first solid proof I had you were still alive. After I convinced him I was a friend of yours he told me where you were headed, said you were a damn fool. But If I did manage to find you I was to make sure you stayed out of trouble. He seemed pretty fond of you.” 

A wave of sadness washed over Rick thinking about what had happened to his friend, “He lost his son recently.” 

“I’m sorry to hear that, Duane seemed like a good kid.”

Rick was looking down, thoughts of Morgan still in his head, he flinched when Dean’s hand touch his shoulder. He allowed Dean to slide his hand up to his neck, the warmth of his palm easing some of the tension there. 

“You want the truth Rick? The gods honest truth?”

“You know I do.”

“Ok” Dean leaned into Rick their chest pressing against each other, he placed his other hand low on Rick’s hip and breathed into the shell of Rick’s ear. 

“I’ve been tracking you for months, always too far behind to catch up to you. I’ve been to the quarry, where you found Lori and Carl, then the farm, where you met up with the Greene family. I know something bad happened in Woodbury; I walked through its empty streets. I’ve known about you and your group making a home in that prison nearby for weeks now. I know Lori is probably dead, more then likely died during childbirth judging by the appearance of that baby girl I see with Beth, she’s your daughter, Judith right? I know you took in the survivors after whatever happened in Woodbury and now you have strong community up and running. I’ve been watching you Rick, I’ve been watching you for weeks from the edge of the tree line surrounding the prison. I’ve been trying to figure out how the hell to go up to you and just talk to you, but I’ve been too damn afraid.” 

Dean breathed out against Rick’s neck, tension leaving his body as if a great weight had been lifted from his back. Only to have that tension stiffen Rick’s body like a board, his breathing started to elevated beyond his control, he felt his stomach drop and sweat break out on his brow. Out of instinct, Rick raised his hands to push Dean away and lunge for his gun, but before he could do more then place his hands on Dean’s chest the younger man used his bigger bulk to slam Rick into the far wall of the living room. 

“Wait! Rick please just give me a minute! I know that sounded bad but…”

“BAD?!”

“It sounded bad?! Are you fuckin crazy?!” 

Rick started to struggle in earnest, but Dean had him too well pinned to the wall he couldn’t even get his knee up to hit Dean in the groin. 

“Fuck!”

“Rick STOP! I’m not going to hurt you goddamnit! That’s the whole fucking reason I stayed away!” 

Rick struggles had pulled both men down the wall and onto the floor. Dean was now straddling Rick’s hips, using all of his body weight to keep Rick’s arms pinned above his head. Adrenalin and fear were coursing through Rick’s body, but he stilled suddenly when Dean’s last statement penetrated his turbulent mind.

“What the fuck does that mean?” Rick tried hard to catch his breath; he didn’t know what to think he was so confused. 

When Dean seemed to have a weird obsessive fascination with only him it didn’t worry Rick too much, he wanted to give Dean a chance so he ignored the warning signs his cop instincts were screaming at him to pay attention to. 

Rick was trying to keep an open mind, but the minute he heard Judith’s name come out of Dean’s mouth it had flipped a switch. Rick finally started to realize just how much Dean knew about him. Things he had no way of knowing unless he had honest to god stalked him.

“Jesus Christ! I thought you were exaggerating! I thought maybe you had used the police database to look some stuff up about me. And the shooting…well that was pubic knowledge I just figured you read the police report. But how the fuck do you know my daughters name or Beth’s for that matter?!”

”Holy shit! Rick I literally said I fuckin STALKED you! Those words LITERALLY came out of my mouth!”

“What the fuck Dean!?” Both men stared at each other, unblinking, until finally Dean dropped his head and sighed.

“Why am I in love with a moron?” Dean let go of Rick’s arms and slid off his body to the side he slumped back against the wall he had just pinned Rick to. Dean tilted his head back and lightly banged it against the wall.

Rick stayed lying on the floor in the exact same position Dean had left him in, unmoving. A look of shock plastered on his face. If Rick hadn’t been trying so hard to catch his breath and regain some semblance of sanity he probably would have started laughing hysterically. Hell, he still might.

“What did you mean?” Dean had to stop banging his head and strain to hear Rick’s whisper.

“What?”

“Before, when you said that was why you stayed away. What did you mean?” Rick sat up slowly and leaned against the wall next to Dean, careful not to touch him.

The younger man looked away from Rick’s piercing gaze and started to pull at the loose thread of his torn jeans. Dean shrugged his shoulders in defeat.

“I knew you didn’t love me back then when we were in the academy. I know you don’t love me now. I know when you give you heart to someone they get to keep it until they die.” A small ball of pain started to form in Rick’s chest with Dean’s words.

“I stayed away because I found out I was too late. I stayed away because I was scared out of my mind that I would do something unforgivable, something that would cause you unimaginable pain.” Rick stayed silent waiting for Dean to continue.

“I stayed away because I was scared I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from killing Daryl.”


	3. Zealot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So this picks up right where last chapter ended and lets just say Rick complicates things...A LOT.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay RL is eating up more of my time then I thought it would. Hopefully I'll have the next chapter up in a few days. This chapter just did not want to get written and turned out a lot shorter then I had hoped. It also ended up taking an unexpected turn at the end sooooo hopefully anyone who is still reading this monstrous story will stick with me cuz the next two chapters are gonna get rough, but I promise all the angst will get resolved and things will get explained...eventually ;-) ALL mistakes are mine so if you spot anything I missed don't hesitate to let me know a second set of eyes are always welcomed!  
> _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

“Huh”

“Really? That’s it? That’s all you got?” Dean stared at Rick incredulously. “I just told you I was going to kill the man you’re in love with and the best you could do was-Huh?”

“Technically, you said you were afraid you would kill Daryl not that you were going too.” Rick pulled his knees to his chest and wrapped his arms around them; he was starting to feel way too sober to deal with this whole situation “And who the hell said I was in love with that asshole.” He mumbled sullenly into his knees, averting his eyes from Dean’s suspicious glare.

“Wait, hold on a minute…..what!?” Dean sat up fully turning his body towards Rick, giving him his full attention “I missed something here didn’t I?”

“He muckd teth” 

“What?” Dean leaned in closer, not able to decipher Ricks muffled response. “I can’t understand you when you talk into your knees Rick.” He cautiously reached forward and tried to tug Rick’s arm away from his face. 

Rick lifted up his head and glared angrily at the other man “He fucked Beth!” he rolled his eyes “Heard me now or ya want me to say it again slower” sarcasm dripping from his voice. 

“Huh”

“Really that’s all ya got? ….Huh?” Rick’s voice was practically caustic at this point. “I figured you’d be jumpin up and down by now.” He started to get up off the cold floor not really wanting to continue this conversation and really needing to get back home, Rick had been gone too long already. Even if it meant trudging through a torrential down pour it was better then having this conversation with someone Rick was pretty sure was certifiable. But before he could fully get to his feet Dean reached out his hand, and with more caution then he thought was warranted, gently touched Rick’s arm getting his attention long enough to stop his movement. 

“Do you want me to kill him? Cuz I will, I really don’t mind.” Dean had a frighteningly sincere look and such a serious tone in his voice Rick started to get worried. “Or if you want I could just cut off his balls for you?” a slow smirk spreading across his face.

Rick stopped and stared trying to figure out if Dean was joking or not. Finally Dean rolled his eyes “I’m joking you jack ass.” 

Rick shook his head, stifling his smile. “I don’t know man, Beth might come after ya with her sewing kit she’s got a mean blanket stitch from what I’ve heard.”

Rick's dead pan expression and dry tone were too much for Dean, he couldn’t hold in his mirth anymore and burst out laughing.

“Seriously, blanket stitch?” Dean gasped out between laughter.

Rick, who had quickly followed suit with his own laughter, just shrugged his shoulders and snickered “Well it’s just as likely as you actually being able to get to Daryl’s balls.”

“Hey I am a man of many talents if I wanted to get to his balls I could.” Indignation coating Dean’s voice. Rick just laughed harder.

“God, I can honestly say that besides waking up from my coma into this living nightmare, this right here has been the weirdest day of my life.” 

Slowly the weight of everything that had happened and that had been confessed started to press down on them. The light mood quickly dissipating as if it had never been there, Rick looked over at Dean with barely suppressed regret.

“You know I can’t letcha come back with me to the prison right?” 

Dean swallowed heavily, Rick focused on the movement of his Adam’s apple, afraid of what he would see if he looked up into the other man’s face. Jade green eyes dimmed in sorrow, Dean’s whole body shuddered and sank in on itself. 

“I promise not to hurt anyone Rick I swear…I just.” He looked away trying to compose himself, blinking back tears. “I just wanted to lay my cards on the table, I wanted to be honest with you.” He looked at Rick imploringly. “Please don’t send me away, at least not yet…I just want a chance Rick.” Dean’s voice was a hoarse whisper by this point. Tears started to roll down tan cheeks and Rick couldn’t help but think how beautiful this man looked when he cried. It was a cruel thought, but Rick was starting to realize cruel thoughts were becoming a common occurrence for him. He reached out, against his better judgment, and softly brushed away Dean’s tears. 

An unexplainable urge over came Rick as he wiped away the last bit of liquid staining the other man's cheeks, an urge he didn’t bother to fight. Rick brought his wet thumb up to his mouth and wrapped his chapped pink lips around the digit, licking up the moister there and tasting Dean’s tears. It was a weird thing to do and if asked why he wouldn’t be able to give an answer. The taste was addictive, salty but pure at the same time.

Dean’s breath stuttered out of him as he watched Rick slowly pull his thumb from his mouth, almost like he was truly savoring the taste of Dean’s sorrow. The atmosphere in the room quickly became suffocating in its intensity. 

“I’ll do anything Rick, anything you say I’ll do. Please…just please don’t ask me to leave you. I don’t think I’d make it very far. I don’t think I’d want to…I’ve been out there too long on my own, I just need some time to regroup, to get back to who I once was. You can understand that, can’t you?” The desperation was practically radiating from Dean’s body; it made his voice crack and his breathing go ragged. The hand that had touched Rick with such hesitancy earlier was now clutching his sleeve, fine tremors vibrating against Rick’s arm.

He couldn’t stand to look at Dean anymore so he stood up suddenly, tearing his arm away from the other mans tight grasp. He had to get some distance and clear the dark thoughts running through his head. Rick was starting to realize that Dean had a very disturbing ability to bring out feelings and ideas that he knew where NOT right, in fact they were down right twisted. Rick knew he shouldn’t look at this man, who was a complete stranger for all intents and purposes, and get hard at the sound of his desperate begging. He kept his back to Dean, trying to hide his arousal.

“Fuck, I am so fucking screwed up.” Rick roughly rubbed his hands against his face trying in vain to think clearly. After a few minutes that felt like an eternity, Rick noticed the complete silence surrounding them, the rain had suddenly stopped. Rick was both relieved and annoyed, he was grateful because at least now he could make it back to the prison without catching pneumonia, but he was annoyed with Mother Nature in general because now he had to deal with Dean. “Couldn’t give me five more minutes could ya?” he crumbled under his breath. 

Rick turned back around facing Dean, the man looked like a kicked puppy or someone who had just watched Rick kick their puppy. Rick dropped his hands from his face and let his shoulders sag, he knew what he was going to do he just wasn’t sure how severe the ramifications of his decision was going to be. Despite everything, the bottom line was Dean was an able body man with vital skills that could be an asset to the Prison…and the guy was asking for help. Shaking his head as he made up his mind he grabbed up his gun and holstered it while giving Dean a stern look.

“If you even think about going anywhere near Daryl, or Beth for that matter, I’ll kick you out on your ass so fast your fucking head will spin!” Rick tried to instill as much aggression and threat into his voice as he could, but he had a sinking suspicion he failed miserably when a blinding smile broke out across Dean’s face. Rick had never in his life seen anything more breath taking then that smile on that man’s face. It was in that instant Rick realized he had made a huge mistake, Dean had way too much influence on him already and he had only known the guy for maybe a total of 4 hours. 

“Oh…this is going to be bad, this is going to be so very fuckin bad” Rick hung his head down and grasp the back of his neck with both hands grimacing as if he were in pain. Now that the words were out of his mouth he knew he couldn’t take them back, what was worse was that he didn’t really want to. He knew taking Dean back to the prison would cause trouble, maybe not with everyone. For the most part no one would really question Dean’s presence at the prison as long as Rick vouched for him. But Rick knew Dean would piss Daryl off instantly, hell Dean had the type of personality that would probably rub a few people the wrong way, but most definitely Daryl. Rick really hoped that small spiteful part of himself that he always tried to keep in check wasn’t blinding him to any potential dangers concerning Dean.

“Ummm…does that mean you’re going to let me come back with you to the prison?” Dean’s smile hadn’t dimmed; Rick just let out a weary sigh and looked at the man still leaning against the wall.

“Yeah it means you can come back with me to the prison.” Dean quickly got to his feet and reached for Rick. “But! I meant what I said Dean! Stay the hell away from Daryl ok?” Rick took a quick step back. “I don’t need you causing any trouble. For that matter just stay clear of anyone who you might piss off.”

“Well fuck Rick that could potentially be a hell of a lot of people, I mean I can try…”

Rick cut off the rest of Dean’s sentence, “Look ya can stay at the prison on a trial bases, until ya feel your ready to go out there again and search for your brother Sam. And I promise I’ll personally make sure ya’ve got every thang you need for the trip; a car, gas, food, ammo…”

“You, I won’t have you.” Dean had wrapped his arms around his body in a protective stance he looked worn and defeated. A small part of Rick yearned to reach out to him, the part that was still bloody and raw from Daryl’s actions. He hesitated to call it a betrayal since in all actuality Rick had never voiced his feeling to Daryl and Daryl had never said anything about being interested in Rick. Really this whole thing had started because Rick walked in on two completely single and unattached individuals, who were just trying to find some comfort with each other. Rick really didn’t have a leg to stand on, he had no right to feel anger or betrayal he had no right to be upset. But along that same vein if Daryl owed nothing to Rick than he sure as shit didn’t owe anything to Daryl. In a moment of self deprecating impulsiveness and with the mental picture of Daryl’s naked body pressed up next to Beth carved into his mind, he let slip the word that were clawing to get out of his throat in place of the sob that was forming in his chest.

“Dean, if ya want me ya can have me. Honestly I don’t know why ya would, I’m broken and empty and there’s really nothing left. But whatever’s left is yours if ya want it.” Instead of the elation he expected to see light up Dean’s face Rick saw dawning comprehension and sadness.

Dean dropped his arms and looked at Rick for a long moment, he seemed to come to a decision judging by the way he straighten his stance and hardened his expression. A decision he did not feel the need to share with Rick. Dean silently began gathering his things he picked up his gun and started to gather up the few provisions they had scavenged from the farm house, when he was packed and ready to go he stood in front of Rick again, closer then before.

“Your worth more then what you think you are and if it takes me my whole life to prove that to you then so be it. I’ll be honest with you Rick anything you want to give me I’ll take, absolutely anything. I’ll take whatever I can get and I’ll be so fucking happy because even just a small little bit of you is worth EVERYTHING to me.” The last was said with so much passion and so much conviction it took Rick aback. He stared at Dean with wide uncomprehending eyes, he just could not wrap his head around the idea that someone, anyone, wanting him this much. It was frightening as much as it was exhilarating. Rick swallowed, trying to alleviate the dryness in his throat.

“Like I said Dean ya have to stay away from Daryl..ok? Promise me.”

“I promise Rick, as long as he doesn’t hurt you I wont hurt him. I’m not willing to compromise on that so don’t even try to convince me otherwise.” Rick let out a heavy sigh “Fine, and let me remind you this is a trial stay, if there are any complaints about you from anyone else at the Prison…”

“There won’t be” Dean countered, “I assure you I’m not going to do anything to jeopardize my ability to stay by your side Rick. I’ll even go one step further, I’ll do everything in my power to help the community at the Prison, I’ll work night and day to keep it safe and I’ll make sure the people there are never in need of anything vital.” Rick squinted his eyes in suspicion. “That’s awfully generous Dean but ya don’t...” 

“I’ll even show you where you can find a years worth of medicine, food and ammo stored up and ready for the taking.” Rick’s mouth was still slightly open from being interrupted midsentence; he snapped it shut at Dean’s words. He rolled his lips over his teeth and bit down on the bottom one in contemplation. “What’s the catch?”

Dean slung his bag over his shoulder and shifted his feet nervously. “It’s not a catch really...more of a request.”

“Ok, FINE what’s your request?” 

“I’ll take you and anyone else you want to bring along to a place I know has a huge stock pile of useful supplies for the Prison on the condition that you promise to just THINK about coming with me to find my brother.” Rick didn’t know what to say, on the one hand he knew he would never leave his children not for any circumstances, but Dean wasn’t actually asking him to leave he was just asking him to think about it. And even though it seemed like a ridiculous and far fetched idea, there was a part of him that thought maybe everyone, including Carl and Judith, would be better off if he left for a while. Not forever of course, but maybe for a few weeks or a month, would that really be so bad. To have the opportunity to get away from Daryl and Beth’s blossoming relationship might not be such a bad idea. And God knows he had been such a poor excuse of a father towards Carl for most of his young life the boy would probably be relieved to have a break from him. Rick nodded his head with conviction and reached out his hand to the anxiously waiting man in front of him.

“Ya got a deal Dean.” A soft smile broke out across Dean’s face but instead of reaching for his hand like Rick expected, the other man stepped up into Rick’s personal space and gently placed his hand on Rick’s neck, his thumb brushing against the stubble along his jaw. Dean let out a shaky breath that tickled Rick’s dry lips, this close standing toe to toe Rick couldn't help but noticed that Dean had at least 2 inches on him. It was a weird sensation looking up into startling green eyes.

“You said I could have you, at least whatever was left of you right?” Rick slowly nodded his head in agreement, he had said those words in a moment of sorrow induced impetuousness and he had no desire to take them back. They were the truth, Rick didn't owe anything to anyone and he had very little to offer so why not offer what little he had to someone who so clearly wanted him. 

“Well I was just wondering if that ‘whatever was left’ included kissing? If it doesn’t I completely understand I’m not going to push ummmmf” Rick surged up and slammed his mouth against Dean’s, anything to get the man to shut up and stop rambling. As soon as Rick’s lips made contact with Dean’s for the first time, he let out a rather undignified moan. It had been so long, so fucking long Rick was worried he might have forgotten how to do this particular activity, but everything came rushing back to him like a fond memory. He softened his lips and opened his mouth, tenderly sucking Dean’s bottom lip and then letting his tongue slowly stroke into Dean’s mouth, the younger man tasted like the whiskey from earlier and a hint of citrus, sweet and dark, it was a flavor Rick was quickly acquiring an appetite for. Dean, taken by surprise by Rick’s sudden kiss didn’t respond right away, but when he finally caught up to the program he proceeded to devour Rick’s mouth with barely controlled passion. Rick could feel Dean’s finger tips digging into the back of his neck and his thumb pressing against the hinge of his jaw opening Rick's mouth a little wider. Dean's other hand was fisted tightly in Rick’s shirt at the small of his back, the vigor and intensity of the kiss was quickly escalating. So much so that Rick felt himself being bent backwards, his back arching slightly, forcing his lower body against Deans. Their matching arousals brushed against each other roughly, causing the younger man to sob into Rick’s mouth. Rick was trembling with emotions he didn’t want to name, he was getting nervous with the way Dean was practically consuming him. He slid the hands that had been clenched in Dean’s hair down to his chest and gently started to push against the other man in the hopes that he could get Dean to slow down, or at least let him up for some air. 

And of course, because God hated him, that was the moment all hell broke lose.

That was the moment Daryl crashed through the door of their quite little farmhouse dripping wet and looking like a drowned cat. Daryl had a murderous look of rage on his face that Rick had never seen before; his crossbow was drawn and aimed right at Dean’s head.

“Get the FUCK away from Rick you sonofbitch!”


	4. Righteous

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We learn a little more about Dean and what he's capable of and Rick's relationship with Daryl hits an all time low.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone I am so sorry for the delay! I thought I would have this damn thing up weeks again but I had a thesis to write and a defense to work on and the stress of these last 2 months has really taken a toll. But on the up side I have a M.S. I'm done with school and I can focus on this monster of a story! I hope you like this chapter I've been picking at it for three days and finally just decided to bite bullet and post it. All mistakes are mine if you see any let me know! Thanks!
> 
> Word of warning next chapter is gonna get graphic please take note of the updated tags. I'll also have additional warnings at the beginning of the next chapter.
> 
> __________________________________________________________________________________________________

Faster then Rick thought any human could move Dean had twisted his body at the sudden sound of splintering wood, and shielded Rick from the unknown danger crashing through the door. At the same time within the same motion he had managed to draw his gun and aim it at Daryl’s head. If Rick hadn’t been so shocked by Daryl’s appearance he would have been impressed by the maneuver. “Shit!” Rick lunged forward and jumped in between the two men a hand outstretched towards each of them. 

“Daryl put the fuckin bow down now!”

Daryl jerked back as if slapped, obviously shocked by Rick’s sharp tone.

“Me?! Ya want me ta put MY fuckin bow down?! What the fuck Rick, what about the asshole tryin ta attack ya?!”

“Jesus...Daryl your not my mama! Last time I checked I could take care of my fuckin self!”

“Are ya sure about that Rick, cuz ya seem to be a lil confused there as to who should put down there fuckin weapon! Last time I checked I was on your side and the asshole wit’ his tongue down your throat was the dipshit I was gonna put a bolt through!” Rick could see Daryl’s muscular arms tensing and straining with the desire to pull the trigger. Daryl had never been very good at hiding his emotions but it had been a long time since Rick had heard such a condescending tone from the archer directed towards him. 

“Yeah well, _Daryl_ ” Rick sing-songed in a frighteningly fake saccharin tone “Sweetheart, a lot has changed since the ‘last time you checked’ now hasn’t it?” Rick met steely blue eyes with his own viciously cold ones, making sure to have the hunters full attention he tilted his head to the side and walked close enough to Daryl that the tip of the arrow was almost brushing his chest. 

“Put the crossbow down now or I’ll let him shoot you.” Rick hiss out low and vicious, Daryl flinched back. Hurt and confusion flashed across his face, filling Rick with equal parts satisfaction and shame. Rick quickly glanced back at Dean taking note of his smug smirk. Rick sighed in exasperation “Put your gun away too Dean.” Almost as if to spite Daryl and emphasis his lack of obedience to Rick’s command, Dean did as Rick asked, holstering his gun without hesitation. 

Rick stepped away from Daryl, whose expression had turned angry and betrayed but had at least lowered the crossbow, and quickly grabbed Dean’s arm and dragged him away; out of Daryl’s hearing rang.

“You do remember what I said right Dean?” he whispered harshly into the other man’s ear. All the while digging his blunt nails into the other man’s arm.

“Well considering you just told me like 2 minutes ago...”

“Dean! I’m serious you leave Daryl alone and anyone else who you know your going to antagonize...alright?! I hear anything about you causing problems...”

“You won’t Rick, I promise anything you say I’ll do, anything you want - I’ll give it to you ” Dean whispered back in desperation, hot breath brushing against Rick’s sensitive neck as he leaned in close. There was a sinister glint in his jade eyes that caught Rick off guard. Dean breathed in deliberate and slow like a wild dog scenting his kill. Rick saw the minute it happened the way Dean’s tense hard body seemed to turn into liquid right in front of him, the way he tilted his chin down and gazed up through his lashed contrite and innocent. It made what the other man said next all the more effective, his soft mouth wrapping around each word like a promise “However you want it from me, however you like it – I’ll give it to you, Rick I promise.” The other man leaned impossibly closer his lips brushing the shell of Ricks ear. “How _do_ you want it Rick? Huh...how about soft and slow, until every part of me is wet and open, taking you in until we can’t tell who is who or what is what?” Rick tried to lean away, pushing down the arousal that surged through his body making his dick swell, vaguely aware of Daryl watching from about 15 feet away with sharp hawk eyes.

“Oh...no, not your cup of tea huh? How about hard and rough?”

“Pushing into me too fast, taking what you want, what you need...making me beg. And I would Rick, I’d beg for you, I’d get down on my hands and knees and let you crash into me until I bled. I’d let you fuck my mouth until I cried.” Dean licking his lips slowly, nudging his nose lightly against Rick’s cheek, he whispered so soft Rick had to strain to hear his next words. 

“You like doing that dotcha, Rick? You like making me cry?” 

Rick wasn’t stupid he knew what Dean was doing, but that didn’t stop him from loving the way Dean constantly said his name- like it was a prayer, reverent and holy. It didn’t stop his body from reacting to the other man’s words or the hot breath against his skin. Rick could feel the blush flooding his face, heating up his cheeks with every word Dean whispered into the nape of his neck. He could feel Dean’s long lashes brushing against his cheek in a twisted facsimile of a butterfly kiss.

“I’ll even let you cum inside me Rick. I’ve never let anyone do that to me. I’ve always been too controlling to let myself be that vulnerable and weak. But for....for you I’d submit.” He popped the ‘t’ out at the end like a wet lollipop pulled from his mouth. 

Rick couldn't stop his legs from shuffling open and allowing the other mans muscular thigh to slip in between. Couldn't stop his hips from subtly grinding down and relieving the building pressure in his groin. The shame of it settled on his skin tight and unforgiving, it dripped down his mouth and coated his throat like cough syrup. God he was so fucked up! What the hell was this man doing to him? What the hell was he LETTING Dean do to him? “For you Rick I’d give up a part of myself no one has ever had, a part of myself that I’ve saved just for you.” The sense of dominance and ownership that flooded his body at those words scared him so much. But not enough for Rick to back away, not enough to be concerned when his limbs felt weightless and the feeling of pin pricks ran all over his skull and down his spine.

By this point in the conversation Rick had lost all sense of his environment the only thing he could focus on was Dean’s smoky voice and his dangerous words. He didn’t even realize that Daryl had stomped angrily into the living room, didn’t even remember that Daryl was IN the room actually until he felt the hunter’s hand wrap around his upper arm and viciously yank him away from Dean and with too much force, jerked him around so he was eye to eye with a furious redneck. 

“Care to introduce me ta your new _friend_ here Rick?” the question was snarled into Ricks face, flecks of spittle landing on his cheek, the word friend spit out of Daryl’s mouth like it was something fowl and poisonous. Rick realized, a little too late, that even though Daryl couldn’t hear his conversation with Dean he could definitely see it and judging by Daryl’s reaction he hadn't been as subtle as he had thought. Embarrassment at what Daryl had witnessed and terror at the feelings Dean was ripping out of him, subdued Rick’s instinctual reaction towards the manhandling. He stilled in Daryl’s grasp forcing his body to relax. Gently, he placed his free hand on Daryl’s chest and used it as leverage to pull his arm out of the hunter’s punishing grip. Rick could feel Daryl’s heart beating furiously against his palm, could feel the fine tremors running through the hunter’s body. Whether from his touch or from the man’s anger, Rick wasn’t sure. 

Rick backed away several steps from both men and took a deep breath before even attempting to deal with the miserable situation he now found himself in. 

“Daryl, this here is Dean. He’s an old friend a mine from the police academy. He’s comin’ back with us to the Prison.” The last had been said with firm conviction, but with no small amount of dread.

“Oh, is he now?” Daryl’s expression had gone from surprise at hearing that Rick actually knew this man before the Turn, to blank, cold steel at the realization that Dean was not immediately walking out of Rick and Daryl’s life. “Did ya even ask ‘im the questions Rick?” 

“What?”

“The fuckin’ questions Rick! Ya know the ones we ask everybody before we bring ‘em back home?”

“Ummm...actually I haven’t had the chance.” Rick could have kicked himself; he should have asked the damn questions before he agreed to let Dean come back to the prison. Daryl was right, how could he have slipped up so badly, especially knowing what he did about Dean already? Hell, Dean could have killed a dozen innocent people for all Rick knew, the man had already proven to be a little unstable.

“Uh huh, o’course ya haven’t. What wuz I thinkin’? Your friend here has probably been keepin’ ya _real_ occupied now hasn’t he?” Daryl started to fidget in agitation, throwing his arm out towards Dean aggressively. 

Rick was stunned for a moment at the other man’s snide tone and then he was just plain pissed. What right does he have? What right does Daryl fuckin’ Dixon have to be pissed at him!? He wasn’t the one who had slept around with a girl young enough to be his fuckin’ daughter! The more Rick thought about it the more self-righteous he felt.

“What the fuck is that suppose to mean exactly?” Rick growled low and threateningly as he lunged into Daryl’s person space catching the hunter off guard and causing him to stumble back a step. Daryl quickly regained his footing and pushed back. “Ya ain’t stupid Rick, ya know exactly wha’ I fuckin meant!” 

“I mean, Jesus, your wife ain’t even been gone half a year an’ your already shovin’ your dick in the first available hole!” Daryl started pacing back and forth, a suspicious film of moisture made his eyes look crazed and overly bright.

“I always suspect’d you were easy, what wit’ the way ya flirt wit’ every body tha’s got a fuckin’ pulse, but I had know clue ya were such a fuckin’ whore!” 

You know that expression “he saw red” Rick never really understood where that came from or how it was possible for people to see a color in association with an emotion until the moment those words came out of Daryl’s mouth. That’s when he experienced, first hand, what exactly those words truly meant. Honestly, Rick couldn’t really remember anything that happened in those next few moments. All he remembers was seeing red bursts of color exploding behind his eyes like fireworks in slow motion. Next thing he knew he was being bodily dragged off of Daryl, who had some how ended up on the floor with a bloody mouth and red marks around his throat that Rick would later realize were caused by his own hands. 

“Now as much as I would looooove to let this little argument continue to its proper end.” Dean huffed out in annoyance, while holding on to a struggling and surprisingly strong Rick. 

“Buuut we got bigger problems then your idiotic redneck archer!” Dean twisted his body around angling a still very angry Rick towards the broken down door of the farm house, which now had a dozen or so walkers jammed into the door frame clawing to get at the three arguing men fighting inside. Rick froze in Dean’s arms and stared in horror. “SHIT!”

“Yup, that about sums it up.” Dean let Rick go and quickly grabbed up both of his bags. Rick turned around and dragged Daryl up onto his feet picking up his crossbow and tossing it to him. “Come on lets move! Out through the back before we’re surrounded.” Dean and Daryl both fell into step behind Rick as he led the way through the house and out the backdoor in the kitchen, gun drawn and knife raised. All three men ran as fast as they could stabbing and shooting at any walker who dared get too close. They ran for what seemed like hours, but was in all honesty probably just a few minutes, until they came to the old dirt road that cut through the woods and merged with one of the main roads that lead back to the Prison. 

All three men slowed down to a trot, safe from the immediate threat of walkers, they tried to catch their breath sucking in large mouthfuls of air in a vain attempt to feed their oxygen starved lungs. Daryl in particular, Rick noticed, seemed to be struggling more then usual to catch his breath. Rick glanced back and noticed the red marks around the hunter’s neck. He could still feel the ache in his hands from having clenched around Daryl’s neck so hard. Being choked out by your best friend right before running a mile at a full sprint probably didn’t do Daryl’s lungs any favors, Rick knew on a fundamental level that he should really be feeling some sense of remorse or guilt for loosing control back there in the farm house, but all he could hear was Daryl’s low baritone calling him a whore, wielding Lori’s death like a weapon to try and hurt him. But instead of the blanket rage he had felt initially now he just felt beaten and hurt. 

What had happened? How can one day, one fuckin’ miserable day destroy something so vital to his very livelihood to his very sanity...as his relationship with Daryl? If you had asked him 24 hours ago if he would be able to go a day with out Daryl in his life the answer would have been unequivocally, hell no! Now Rick wasn’t sure he would be able to look at the hunter without punching him in the mouth.

Dean stood off to the side of both men, having regained his breath and composure much sooner then either Rick or Daryl, and just waited to see what would happen next. Rick noticed he had a tight grip on his gun in one hand and held a rather sadistic looking blade at the ready in the other. 

“I’m not ‘poligizing...I aint gonna take back what I said.” Rick’s eyes whipped back to the still hunched over archer, who was now rubbing his bruised throat, his voice sounding about two octaves lower then normal. 

“I don’t expect ya to, Daryl. I think ya made your opinion of me very clear.” Daryl finally stood up at the sound of Rick’s defeated voice; hand still on his throat and expression carefully blank.

“Yeah...made your opinion of me pretty damn clear too.” With that Daryl readjusted his crossbow strap more comfortably on his shoulder and turned towards Dean, who had been watching the entire exchange with blatant interest.

“How many fuckin’ walkers have ya killed?”

“What?”

“Answer the fuckin’ question.” Daryl pulled his knife and stomped into Dean personal space trying to intimidate him, their noses just inches apart and Daryl’s gaze growing sharp and angry with every passing second the other man failed to answer the question. Dean didn’t even flinch. 

Rick wasn’t sure if he should be impressed or concerned with Dean’s lack of self-preservation. Or maybe he should be worried about Daryl’s safety, now that he noticed how controlled Dean’s body was, how he switched the balance of weight from his right to his left side, the side holding the twisted metal knife that looked like it was forged in hell. Rick saw the muscles in Dean’s arm twitch; he saw how Daryl was too incensed by the other man’s calm exterior to notice what was about to happen. In a blink of an eye Rick had his had wrapped tight around Dean’s wrist stopping him from plunging the blade into Daryl’s side. It took a second for the hunter to realize what had almost happened. Nothing on Dean’s expression had changed, no other part of his body had moved he had given no indication, what so ever, about what he was about to do. Even now with his hand firmly in Rick’s grip he still looked as impassive as ever, almost as if he didn’t care he was about to take a mans life with the flick of his wrist.

“Step back...now.” Dean said the words as if they were nothing as if he didn’t care one way or the other if Daryl did what he asked, because he knew ultimately he was going to get his way either by Daryl’s choice or by his force.

Daryl took exactly one step and only one step back, defiance written all over his face. “Nice friend ya got here Rick, can’t even ask ‘im a simple question without gettin’ gutted. Hes gonna fit in real nice wit everybody at tha Prison.” 

Rick loosened his grip on Dean’s wrist and slowly pulled his arm away, watching carefully for any sudden movements. He hadn’t known Dean that long but the lack of emotion the complete shut down of anything even remotely human was a little troubling. It was almost like Dean had shut himself away in self-defense, perhaps in response to a perceived attack from Daryl. The other man hadn’t blinked once since Daryl questioned him, never taking his eyes off the hunter. Rick looked back at Daryl and that’s when he noticed that even though Dean’s eyes never strayed from the hunter’s face, every time Daryl would move or twitch the hand holding his knife, Dean would stop breathing for a moment. It was barely noticeable but it was enough for Rick to realize what was happening. 

“Put your knife away.”

“What?!”

Rick lunged at Daryl ripping the blade out of his hand. “I said put your fuckin’ knife away!”

The minute the blade was out of Daryl’s hand and in Ricks instead. Dean took a deep shuddering breath and stepped away from Daryl until his back came to rest against a tree. He blinked rapidly for a moment and touched his temple with the hand still holding the knife; he was acting as if he had just come out of a dream. 

“What the hell was that?” it was said with no small amount of concern, but still laced with anger. Dean looked up at Rick and shrugged his shoulders “I guess I got a few triggers, been through enough shit these past few months that I’m surprised I don’t have more actually.”

Rick looked over at Daryl, if anyone could understand having triggers it was Daryl. The man had enough self-imposed defense mechanisms and personal barriers to make Fort Knox jealous. Defenses and barriers that Daryl had lowered for Rick, at great cost to himself, he had offered up his vulnerabilities to him like a precious gift. A gift Rick realized too late that he had taken for granted, that had become the thread that stitched his psyche back together after he had lost his mind. Looking at Daryl now, with his broad shoulders drawn up tight and his deep blue eyes narrowed with suspicion and betrayal; all Rick could feel was loss. 

Like a phantom limb’s ache, he felt the thread that had tied him to Daryl and sewn an unbreakable bond between them being pulled from its seams. The sensation making Rick sway were he stood. Daryl flinched almost as if he wanted to reach for Rick, but he stopped suddenly clenching his hands. The hunter looked towards Dean, he sighed and shook his head in aggravation, his damp hair falling into his eyes and framing his face. His viciously beautiful face, God...how Rick’s chest ached.

“Yeah well...” Daryl looked up expectantly at Rick as if to say ‘what now?’ both hands coming up to grip the strap wrapped across his chest, he was still angry Rick could see the rage simmering under the surface; but the fact that, even in his anger, Daryl still looked to him for guidance was reassuring. Maybe they could salvage something of their friendship from this shit-tastic day......eventually. 

“What exactly is your trigger? The knife or Daryl getting too close to you?” Rick looked away from the hunter and back at Dean.

“The knife....definitely the knife.” It was said with so much shame and revulsion that even Daryl was affected, a small amount of guilt flickering across his face before he could hide it away.

“Ok...alright. Now that we know we can watch out for that. Right Daryl?” Rick looked back at the man in the hopes that he had calmed down enough; that they had all calmed down enough to behave rationally.

Daryl locked eyes with Rick, a million things expressed in that one intense look and none of them were things Rick would ever know or understand, especially after today. A profound sadness hit him with that knowledge shaking him to his core. He looked down and had to pinch the bridge of his nose with a shaking hand to hide the sudden feeling of moisture filling his eyes. In his periphery he could see the two quick steps Daryl took towards him, unable to fight the need to come to his aid the second time fast enough to catch himself completely. Even when he had hurt his hunter, his first instinct was to go to Rick when he thought something was wrong.

“Yeah....sure.” the other man mumbled finally answering Rick’s question. Daryl stared at Dean for a long hard minute breaking him down and evaluating what he saw, a look on his face that bordered on hate but felts more like envy. He never took his eyes off Dean as he asked Rick with what sounded like regret.

“Ya trust him Rick?”

“I want to...I think I need to.” Pain settled on the hunters face, his knuckles turning white as he tightened his grip around his crossbow strap. He cleared his throat and nodded his head rapidly. “Yeah...ok then.” He cleared his throat again and swallowed thickly. “Yah...uh ya probably oughta’ ask ‘im the questions then, so we can be on our way. Everyone back at ta prison is worried about ya.” The last was mumbled against his thumb as the hunter nervously bit into his nail and turned away, walking a few steps to keep a look out for danger. 

Rick stared at Daryl’s back for few more moments before taking a deep breath and focusing on Dean.

Dean who was still leaning against the tree looking down at his empty hands with a grief stricken look on his face, his knife laying on the ground at his feet.

Rick slowly walk towards him and picked up the knife, sliding the one he had taken from Daryl in between his belt and the waist of his jeans. “Interesting knife” Rick twirled the weapon around looking at the intricate detail and the twisting metal that made up the blade. “Never seen anything like it.”

“Pray that you never do again.”

“What do you mean?”

“Nothing...don’t worry about it.” Dean reached out and took back his knife carefully sliding it into its sheath, he had regained most of his color but he still moved as if in a daze. There was just something about the way he was acting that Rick couldn’t quite put his finger on, something off. Dean faced Rick but wouldn’t meet his eyes always keeping them slightly to the right and over Rick’s shoulder. 

“So what are these questions you gotta ask me?”

Rick snapped out of his study of the other man and let out a heavy sigh. “Right the questions, they’re just a way for us to get a better read on new people coming into the Prison and joining our community.”

“And if you don’t like the answers.” 

“Then we send ya on your way an’ ya an’t welcome back.” Daryl simply stated, never turning around to face the two men just subtly shift from foot to foot. 

“Alright then Dean, how many walkers have you killed?” Rick was anxious to get this over with, not just because he was exhausted and in a hurry to get back home, but also because he was worried about Deans answers. He wanted Dean to come back with them, even if he hadn’t really resolved why he was so drawn to the man. All Rick knew for sure was that Dean seemed to not only want him but need him too, hell maybe he even really loved him and Daryl....well whatever Daryl might've felt for him was no doubt burned away by now, nothing but a few ashes left to remind him of what he had. At least thats what Rick believed, Daryl hadn’t done or said anything to make him think otherwise. 

“I don’t know honestly, there been so many. Maybe a couple hundred probably more.” Dean replied clipped and detached he seemed to be pulling more and more into himself the longer Rick stood in front of him and tried to make eye contact. It unnerved him that after showing such an obsessive attachment to him Dean refused to even look at him now.

“Ok...That’s fine. How many people have you killed?” It seemed to take a few moments for Dean to really register what Rick was asking him. He could see Dean’s throat move as he swallowed nervously. After a while of prolonged tense silence Daryl finally turned around, a wary look on his face. “Ya gonna answer the man’s question there hoss?”

Dean turned his head towards Daryl, defiance clear on his face as he answered Rick’s question with another question.

“That depends, do you want to know how many people I killed before or after the Turn?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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> Just FYI this is what Dean's knife looks like in my head :-)


	5. Interlude: Back at the Prison

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We finally see whats happening back at the prison!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! sorry for the delay I really do mean to post these chapters up sooner, but my job kinda sucks right now and is really taking up a lot of my time...stupid job. I really need to win the lottery. Anyways I know this isn't the graphic chapter I had mentioned previously, that will be coming up in chapter 6 when we get back to the boys and learn more about what happened to Dean right after the Turn....its pretty dark so heads up. 
> 
> I just thought it was time we saw what was happening in the Prison and finally get some kind of explanation about what really happened with Daryl and Beth. I hope you enjoy! Remember comments = love and love = faster chapters ;-)

* * *

      Carol had barely managed to hold off Daryl from following Rick as he ran up the stairs to his cell to escape whatever had made him so upset that morning. Carol had her suspicions but she hesitated to make any assumptions, Daryl was her friend and she loved him dearly. She didn’t want to think poorly of him, she didn’t want to believe he could be so cruel, but it was hard to ignore the evidence when it was standing right in front of you.

 

She had known for quite some time that Daryl had no interest in her romantically and she was fine with that, truly she had made her peace. The unintentional rejection was made all the easier for her to understand when she really started to take notice of the looks shared by their leader and their anti-social hunter. It was obvious, at least to her, that they had very deep feelings for each other. Whether those feelings resulted in a physical relationship between the two men she didn’t actually know and she really didn’t care. The intensity of their relationship was at times more intimate then some marriages, it could sometimes get uncomfortable to be around the two men when they were together. Almost as if the rest of the group were intruding on a private moment when all Rick and Daryl were doing was just looking at each other. Anyone and everyone who stood in their presence could feel the tension that resonated between them.

But lately she had noticed Rick pulling away, at first she had thought something had happened between him and Daryl. It was only after she had spoken to Hershel that she realized that Rick wasn’t pulling away he was trying to save his son, and maybe himself as well. Rick had sacrificed so much to ensure their survival; to ask that he neglect and sacrifice his son’s humanity was too high of a price for any parent to pay. So she had no qualm with Rick taking a step back and focusing on his children, but to the uninformed it simply looked as though Rick was pulling away from the group and segregating his children from everyone except a select few.

 

Carol had feared for sometime that Daryl was one of those uniformed few who didn’t understand Rick’s motives for pulling away because, like most men, Rick had failed to communicate his reasons to anyone. This morning her suspicions had been confirmed.

 

When she heard Judith wailing and had seen Rick rushing away from Beth’s cell she had thought perhaps Rick was trying to ensure the babies cries didn’t wake Beth up on her first day off in months. However, when she had gotten a good look at the complete devastation clearly written on his face, she assumed the worst. She rushed over to Rick and immediately took Judith and the diaper bag haphazardly thrown over his shoulder. When she had tried to find out what was wrong, whether or not something had happened to Carl, she was taken aback by how completely Rick had melted into her touch. Almost as if she had been the first to touch him in ages, and thinking back on it now in the relative privacy of her cell quietly rocking Judith, perhaps she had.

 

Hours later Carol still couldn’t believe the sight that had greeted her when she had looked over Rick’s shoulder that morning to see what had caused his almost frantic state. There was Daryl, still buttoning up his vest over a bare torso, rushing out of Beth’s cell at a suspiciously early hour of the morning.

 

Luckily there hadn’t been too many people in the common area to witness his walk of shame. Thank God Maggie or Hershel hadn’t been there Daryl probably would have lost more then his shirt if either of them had witnessed what she had. She had been so angry and disappointed, the emotions must have been very clear on her face because one look from her had been enough to make Daryl stagger to a stop in his single minded pursuit of Rick. The look on his face had broken her heart, shame and guilt mixed with a health dose of fear, but for Rick’s sake she kept her expression cold and distant not giving anything away.

 

Carol isn’t naïve she has enough self-awareness to admit that it had probably been a small amount of spite that had motivated her to behave so familiarly with Rick in that moment. Running her fingers through his hair and kissing his temple, perhaps lingering a moment too long, not that Rick had noticed if anything he seemed almost starved for the simple physical contact she gave him, even going so far as to touch her hip in gratitude.  But her actions had served a purpose, as she had leaned in to whisper into Rick’s ear reassurance that he would have the five minutes he desperately requested of her to escape the uncomfortable situation that was unfolding around them, she had looked up into Daryl’s eyes and seen furious jealousy blazing bright and obvious. _Huh so he did still have feelings for Rick_ , the thought had come unbidden to her mind. Carol hadn’t even realized she had been testing Daryl with her actions until she had noticed his response.

 

It had made the next five minutes all the more difficult, part of her wanted to let Daryl catch Rick so that they could straighten out whatever misunderstanding had occurred but she just couldn’t do that to Rick. It was clear to Carol that Rick needed space and time to calm down, even if she hadn’t been so upset with Daryl she still wouldn’t have let him anywhere near Rick not in the state of mind he had been in. She could only imagine how much worse the situation would have ended up if she had allowed those two incredible stubborn, thickheaded volatile men at each other without first allowing them to calm down.

 

The minute Rick had slipped past her Carol had stepped in front of Daryl cutting him off. She was prepared for his anger she hadn’t been prepared for his grief. “Please Carol ya gotta let me talk ta him! Ya gotta move I'm beggin’ ya!”Daryl had spoken the plea a little louder then a whisper desperation coating his words, he had hunched in his shoulders and wrapped his arms around himself becoming self-conscience of the growing crowd gathering for breakfast.

 

Carol can still feel the lump of emotion that had caught in her throat at hearing his plea even now hours later. She had felt her resolve start to crumble and the hopeful look in his eyes had begun to swell, but then she had looked up and seen Beth rushing in from the direction of her cell, hair still in disarray and cheeks stained crimson with what Carol hoped was a health dose of shame. Beth had looked around the common room where a few early risers were settling down with their breakfast trying hard to ignore the obvious tension growing between Carol and Daryl.

 

Daryl had looked over his shoulder to see who had come in making so much noise. Carol can still recall how Beth’s eyes had lit up when she had found Daryl looking towards her; she had seemed so damn happy and relieved. That’s when Carol had shut down any growing sympathy for the archer. She hadn’t been sure at the time but she’s almost positive now that Daryl had muttered a curse under his breath at the sight of Beth looking towards them. He had quickly looked back at Carol and must have see that whatever sympathy he had gained with her was completely lost now with Beth’s appearance as a clear reminder of his transgressions. “Damn it Carol it ain’t what ya think!” That’s when the yelling had started.

 

Boy had there been yelling! Daryl had said some thing he would regret, Carol definitely said some things she regretted, but in the end Rick got his five minutes to escape. And escape he did.

 

If Carol had known the damn idiot was planning on running clear out of the Prison and into the woods half cocked she might have had second thoughts about letting him run away. But as they say hindsight is 20/20.

 

Now here she was hours later waiting for Daryl to bring back their wayward leader. After all the yelling had drawn a crowd and Judith had begun to cry again, Daryl had stopped in his tirade long enough to get embarrassed at all the attention directed towards him. Beth had run up to him and grabbed his bare arm trying to calm him down but her touch only seemed to ignite his rage again. He had snarled down at the girl “Get ta hell away from me!” ripping his arm from her grasp and rushing away in the opposite direction.

 

Carol was ashamed to admit she had felt a small sliver of satisfaction at Daryl’s behavior towards Beth, but then she had looked at the girl and instead of devastation she had seen anger and annoyance. “FINE! Act like a dumbass Daryl Dixon see if I help you fix this damn mess!” Beth had scowled at everyone who’s eyes where now trained on her. She had stomped out of the common room towards the area they did laundry no doubt to take out her frustrations on some unassuming stains, a few moments later Maggie was hot on her heels, no doubt having been awoken by all the commotion, a scowl marring her pretty features.

 

Carol had to admit Beth had a backbone even if she sometimes came across as foolish and impulsive, she had definitely cultivated that Greene stubborn streak that Maggie was so well known for.

 

It had taken sometime before anyone realized that Rick had in fact left the Prison altogether, Sasha and Bob were on watch duty at the time and Carol blamed there relative inexperience with the group for the fact that they had waited until lunch time before even mentioning Rick’s strange behavior. She had looked over towards Michonne, who had been informed of the incident this morning by several people, and silently communicated her concern. As Michonne had risen from her seat, no doubt prepared to go after Rick, a gruff voice she hadn’t heard all morning had spoken up from the door way.

 

“Sit down Michonne, I’ll go get ‘im” but before Michonne could express what a completely idiotic idea that was, Daryl was gone.

 

“What happened? Is my Dad ok?” it wasn’t until this point Carol is ashamed to admit that she had remembered Carl. Michonne had walked over to the boy eating his lunch across from Carol and ruffled his hair.

“Of course your Dad’s fine he just went out this morning to check the snares. We’re just worried Rick will get caught out in the storm that’s all, you know how stubborn your Dad can be when he’s in the middle of doing something, he wont stop till its done.”

 

“Yeah that’s true, he probably wouldn’t even notice the rain until he was soakin’ wet.” Carl had smiled up at Michonne, reassured that everything was fine and focused back in on his lunch. “I was worried when he didn’t show up at the crops this mornin’ but I just figured he slept in. He hasn’t been sleeping lately and he’s been lookin’ really tired and run down.” Carl had shrugged his shoulders and bit his lip. “I think he’s been having nightmares about Mom again, but he won’t talk about it with me. I was actually really hopin’ he had managed to get some sleep last night. That’s why I didn’t go by his cell to bother him.”

 

The worry that Michonne had managed to chase away had flooded back into Carl’s face in that moment. “ Do you think I should have gone and checked on him? Maybe I could have gone with him to check the snares...I really did think he was sleepin’ that’s why I did the crops all by myself I wanted to surprise him.”

 

Michonne had wrapped an arm around the boy and smiled “I’m sure your Dad will be really impressed with how much you did on your own today Carl and don’t feel bad about not checking in on him this morning he was gone by the time you woke up. Besides its not the kid’s job to check in on the parent it’s the other way around. The reason you didn’t wont to bother him is probably the same reason he went out so early in the first place. He probably wanted you to rest and sleep in a bit.” A blinding smile had broken out across Carl’s face at hearing the other woman’s words. “Hah! You’re probably right, that sounds like something Dad would do. Just hope Daryl doesn’t get too mad at Dad for makin’ him go out in the rain to go get him. Daryl can get a little over protective some times.” The latter had been said jokingly but the look Michonne had sent Carol had told her just how concerned the other woman had been of that exact thing happening.

 

Lunch had been a couple of hours ago and still no sign of either of the men. More people around the Prison were starting to express their concern. Glenn had mentioned maybe going after them but the Council had nixed that idea stating that it was still too early to send out a search party. Carol had been one of the only ones on the Council who had wanted to send more people out after the two men but she had been out voted. Hershel had been insistent that sending anyone out in this down pour would only cause people to get sick and potentially spread a contagion around the prison.  

 

The rain had come down hard for several hours, but she could hear it start to finally ease up. She rocked Judith a bit more and gently placed the dozing child into her crib for her afternoon nap. As she straightened up she heard a gentle tapping at her cell door, Carol distractedly looked up to greet the visitor but did a double take when she saw Beth standing in her doorway, arms wrapped tightly around her middle. Carol sighed heavily and waved the miserable looking girl inside.

 

“Did she go down ok?” Beth leaned slightly to look in on Judith.

 

“Yes, she was a perfect angel. Ate all her lunch, played for a bit and went down for her nap with no problems or fussing.” Here Carol allowed the pregnant pause to permeate the cell. “But I suppose she’s extra tired from all the unusual excitement this morning..huh?” Carol looked hard at the thin blond girl until Beth lifted her head to meet her gaze.  Beth quickly looked away and gestured towards the chair in the corner of Carol’s cell. “Mind if I take a seat?” Carol continued to stare at Beth until she started to shift from foot to foot slightly. “Fine...go ahead.”

 

As she sat down Carol couldn't help but notice how weary and exhausted Beth looked as she sat in the corner of her cell for a moment just roughly rubbing her hands against her face and hunching in on herself.  She looked at Carol and released the breath she had been holding, and with a sardonic grin she muttered “Have you ever wondered how men who are normally very smart and experienced can act like total jackass when their in love?”

 

Carol tried not to, but she couldn’t help the snort of laughter that escaped and she couldn’t completely smother the mirth that followed at Beth’s raised eyebrows.  She took a step back and sat down on her bed with an expectant look. “What the hell happened this morning Beth?”

 

Beth looked away and bit her lip for a moment before answering Carols question. “God, Carol where the hell do I begin?” Carol a little surprised at the tone and language, was beginning to realize that perhaps she didn’t know Beth as well as she thought. “How about the beginning. The truth would be nice, by the way.”

 

Beth looked back at Carol and gave her a sharp look “Of course I’m gonna tell you the truth Carol...I just...I just need you to promise not to say anything to ANYONE. Its kinda private, and if Daryl found out I broke his promise ...well he wouldn’t hurt me, I don’t think, but he sure as hell would never trust me again.”  Carol arch a brow at this, interest quipped “Ok I promise. Anything you tell me will remain in this cell. So start talking Beth, my patience is wearing thin, why the hell was Daryl Dixon in your cell half naked?”

 

And with a completely straight face Beth simply said “The damn idiot passed out on my bed while I was trying to give him a tattoo...apparently Daryl’s alcohol tolerance isn’t what it use to be.” For the second time in as many minutes Carol found herself smothering her laughter, trying not to wake Judith.

 

“Wait, wait, wait...your telling me that Daryl ask you to give him a tattoo?”

 

“Well more like a prison tattoo, he had been secretly gathering parts for the tattoo gun for a while now about 2 or 3 months. But yeah he asked me a while back if I could draw and I said yeah a little, and then he gave me a paper with a description on it and asked me to come up with a few drawings.”

 

“What was the description on the paper?”

 

“That I really can’t tell you Carol he was pretty adamant and really really embarrassed when I finally got the reason for the tattoo out of him. I just don’t feel right saying what the tattoo was...I’m sorry.” Beth truly did look contrite so Carol let it go even if she was still a little miffed that Daryl hadn’t told her anything about what was going on. “That’s fine Beth I understand...so let me try and get this straight last night, after Daryl had gotten all the parts for the tattoo gun and after he approved of your drawing, I assume” Beth nodded in agreement “you stayed up all night and gave Daryl a tattoo and then what? Accidently fell asleep?” Carol didn’t bother to hide her incredulous expression. Beth grimaced in annoyance “No not exactly...apparently prison tattoos are pretty damn painful and well Daryl kept moving! He was going to mess up the damn tattoo so he grabbed a bottle of whiskey and started drinking.”

 

“Whiskey?”

 

“Yeah...I’m not sure but I think Daryl said something about Bob thanking him later. I don’t know where he got the bottle all I know was that he damn well drank the whole thing before he was able to stop moving. It was only after I had finished the tattoo that I realized that the reason he wasn’t moving was because he had passed out.”  

 

“Good God” Carol had a pretty good idea of where this was going and yes she completely agreed with Beth’s assessment, _men where fuckin idiots._

At this point Beth had worked herself up into a pretty angry and annoyed state. “Do you have any idea how damn heavy that man is?! He was taking up half my bed and I couldn't move him an inch!”

 

“Shhhh, keep it down!” Carol hissed as Judith began to stir at Beth’s raised voice. Beth cringed a little and leaned in to check on the baby. “Sorry ... sorry.” She whispered.

 

Carol looked at the petite girl and could easily accept that she would have difficulties moving Daryl, but if all this was true there were still some questions the Carol needed to ask.

 

“Ok, Beth lets just say for arguments sake I believe you.”

 

“But I’m telling the tru..”

 

“Ah ah ah! Don’t interrupt! Let just say I believe you, why didn’t you just wake someone up to help you with Daryl? And before you answer I understand Daryl didn’t want anyone to know about the tattoo, but under the circumstances I’m sure he would have been fine with Rick helping. There’s no one on this planet Daryl trusts more then Rick.”

 

“But that’s the problem Carol...I couldn’t get Rick to help because he would have been the last person Daryl would have wanted to see the tattoo.”

 

“What? Why?”

 

“Well, because the tattoo was sorta for him.”


	6. Pain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We pick up with the boys right after Chapter 4. They have just escape from a walker attack and Daryl almost had his life cut short by Dean now they have just discovered that Dean might have a few more skeletons in his closet then they initially realized. Here it is! this is the chapter that finally reveals the secrets that Dean has been hiding...well at least one of them. WARNING: VERY DARK CONTENT PLEASE READ THE TAGS AND NOTES!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello its been forever since I've touched this story I just haven't had the desire to really write and I've been so freakin busy with RL. I'm so sorry to whomever might still be following this story...and its probably not that many :-( But to those few who are still toughing it out with me THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU! I really hope I haven't lost or discouraged too many of you from reading this story. I've finally found the time and desire to get back into my writing and your comments and encouragements really keep me motivated so please don't give up on the story or me :-) Just a word of WARNING: this chapter was pretty rough there are some very dark moments when Dean starts to talk about his past, if that isn't your cup of tea then just skip the section separated by the lines the rape isn't graphic but there is a brief description of torture of a young girl...but I really encourage you to read it because it does explain a lot about why Dean is the way he is and it will no doubt hint at some future behavioral issues. So here you go I hope you like it! All mistakes are my own so if you spot one I missed let me know. I own nothing related to TWD or Supernatural, altho I wish I did!

 

No one moved no one even dared breathe, hell it almost seemed as if the whole forest had just suddenly stopped.

 

“What do you mean before or after the Turn?” the words left Rick’s mouth barely above a whisper. He took a step back away from Dean only to bump into Daryl who was suddenly plastered to his back tension poring off the hunter. Daryl quickly shifted around Rick and took a protective stance slightly in front of him.

 

Rick glanced at Daryl slightly annoyed by the presumption that he couldn’t take care of himself, but also flattered that Daryl still even wanted to protect him. He looked at Dean who had turned away from them his back hunched and his hands trembling.

 

“Answer the question Dean...please.” Rick begged, his voice going weak towards the end. He needed Dean to pass this test, he needed Dean to be ok, because if he wasn’t Rick wasn’t sure what he would do. He wasn’t sure how he would justify to everyone back at the prison why he was bringing a known murder into the community. Because like it or not Rick wasn’t going to let Dean walk away, no matter how he answered the questions he had already made up his mind that he was bringing Dean back home with them.

 

Maybe it was selfish, no actually it was _completely_ selfish on his part to disregard the safety of his friends and family for the chance to ease his own loneliness. But all Rick had ever done his entire life was sacrifice and he was tired of it he wanted to be selfish. For once in his goddamn retched life he wanted something for himself, he wanted that feeling Dean inspired in him. Rick wanted that sense of power and control, that dark feeling of something being so very wrong but feeling so damn good. That feeling of being wanted by someone so completely and obsessively that there was no chance in hell they would ever leave him.

 

So maybe Rick had some issues with abandonment, but that didn’t stop him from wanting to feel the way Dean made him feel 24/7. Dean was like a drug and Rick had always had an addictive personality.

 

He edged around Daryl so that he was at least shoulder-to-shoulder with him. He still held out hope that maybe Dean’s reasons were justified.

 

“If it was in the line of duty that’s understandable Dean every cop is faced with that situation at least once.” Dean let out a derisive snort lifting up his head and glancing over his shoulder, a scowl forming on his pretty features when he noticed how close Rick was standing to the hunter.

 

“You want a number?”

 

Rick silently nodded his head.

 

“48...48 is my goddamn lucky number.” Dean had turned back around to face them his stance had become abrasive and angry. He spread his hands out wide with an arrogant gleam in his eye that Rick could immediately tell was forced. “Is that what you wanted to hear? Did I answer all your fuckin’ questions?!”

 

Rick could feel Daryl shaking with pent up fury by his side. Out of some unknown instinct he reached out and slammed his hand down onto the cross bow that had already been lifted and fired at Dean, causing the bolt to imbed itself into the ground centimeters from the other man’s feet. Dean looked down at the arrow that had been aimed for his heart and glanced back up at the archer with an unimpressed look on his face.

 

“Yah missed sweetheart”

 

“Fuck you!!” Daryl yanked his weapon away from Rick and quickly began to reload another bolt. Rick was beyond annoyed he knew Dean was trying to provoke Daryl and the hunter was falling for it.

 

“STOP! Both of you just fuckin’ stop!”

 

“Are ya out o’ your damn mind Rick?! He’s a fuckin’ murderer! He jus’ admitted ta killin’ forty eight people!” Daryl lunged towards Rick, anger and hurt bleeding from every movement. Dean step forward to intercept and no doubt do some serious harm to the hunter. By this point Rick had just about reach the end of his rope, he pulled out his Colt and aimed it at both men, the cold hard stare directed at them doing more to still their movements then the threat of being shot.

 

“I said stop.” Rick hissed out in a dark tone, he held Deans eyes for a long minute and then looked at Daryl, the shiver that ran down the hunter’s body at Rick’s commanding tone not going unnoticed. “It ain’t like we’ve never taken a life Daryl.”

 

“Yea’ Rick I agree wit’ ya but I sure as fuck never had ta take forty eight o’ them an’ it aint like we didn’t have our reasons!” Daryl hissed, each word rising in volume.

 

“And maybe Dean has his reasons too. Don’t cha think we otta ask the last question at least?!” Rick implored.

 

“If ya think for one damn minute tha’ there’s a good enough reason inna world for killing that many people than maybe ya have lost your damn mind!”

 

Rick flinched at the hunter’s harsh words, something he really should be getting use to by now, he probably deserved some of Daryl’s anger but there was a line that the hunter kept crossing and every time he did Rick felt a little piece of himself die. A contrite look passed briefly over Daryl’s expression, but it didn’t last long and it was quickly replaced by the hunter’s now familiar anger. “Look I jus’ meant...”

 

“I know what ya fuckin meant Daryl.” Rick shoved his gun back into its holster never taking his eyes off the hunter. “It’s fine, really” Rick mumbled, disappointment lacing his voice and cutting off whatever Daryl had been about to say. “But the fact of the matter is, there are three questions for a damn reason and I’m gonna get all three of those fuckin’ questions answered. I don’t really give two shits about what ya think of me, I got more important things to worry about right now.”

 

Dean took this opportunity to shuffle back and sit down at the base of the tree, his knees pulled up and his arm hanging limply on top of them. “You should have just let him shoot me ya dumbass.” He chuckled darkly, his head tipped back and his gaze lost in the tangle of branches above him.

 

“Why?” Rick took a step towards him, hand resting on the butt of his gun.

 

“Cuz I deserve to die.”

 

“No...Dean, that’s the third question. Why did ya kill forty eight people?”

 

Dean never lowered his head while he told Rick what had happened, he just kept on looking up into the tree branches as tears started to stream down his face.

 

His voice was steady as he described walking through the forest after leaving the remnants of the Greene’s farm behind. He described how he was worried about what might have befallen Rick and scared that the trail had gone cold so he took a chance and started to head northeast through the woods next to the highway hoping to find a sign or a trail that would put him on the right path to Rick again. He couldn’t remember how long he had been walking before he ran into _them_.

 

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

“I was actually relieved when I saw the light from their fire, I thought, finally other human begins! I was starting to go a little stir crazy in my own head with no one to keep me company but the dead assholes who kept trying to eat me.” Dean let out a sickening laugh that made Rick’s stomach roll, a sense of dread started to paint itself down his back. Rick was beginning to realize that this was going to be much worse then he had initially thought.

 

“At first I thought the noise I heard was laughter, but the closer I got the more it started to sound like screams.”

 

Rick crouched down in front of Dean and tried to catch his eye “What happened?” Dean stayed quite for several long minutes. Rick was just about to prompt him to speak again when Dean started talking in a low broken voice.

 

“They were just kids man...fucking kids. The oldest couldn’t have been more than 16 and they were all just there, chained up to each other covered in bruises and blood. Most of them were just sitting there, all skin and bones just trying to make themselves look smaller. I didn’t realize how big the campsite was until I looked around and saw all the RV’s and trucks. There must have been at least a dozen of them.”

 

“A dozen people?” Rick asked with dread. Dean scoffed, he lowered his head and stared at Rick with dead eyes.

 

“A dozen vehicles...there were forty three people.”

 

Rick winced and looked away for a second. “Go on.”

 

“There were about fifteen or seventeen men running the camp, they had heavy artillery some of them looked like ex-military but I wasn’t sure. Some where walking around guarding the campsite but most of them were...” Dean looked away from Rick as he swallowed and gathered his voice.

 

“Most of the men were in the middle of the campsite..they...they were raping the women, probably the mothers, and some of the older kids. I didn’t know what to do. At first I couldn’t comprehend what I was seeing, I kept telling myself to wake up because I thought I was having a nightmare. My first reaction was to jump in and kill as many of those assholes as I could, but it was only me and I knew I couldn’t take on that many men by myself.”

 

Shame and disgust welled up in Dean’s voice. “So I...I started to walk away but every step I took away from that campsite made me feel sicker and sicker.”

 

“But ya didn’t keep walkin’ away, did ya?” it was nothing more than a whisper but Rick still startled at the sound of Daryl’s voice behind him. He glanced back at the hunter who was riveted to his spot gripping his crossbow so tight Rick thought he heard it groan under the strain.

 

Dean looked at Daryl, and for a long tense moment stayed silent. “No I didn’t.”

 

“I walked about fifty feet when I heard grunting. Just past some bushes I saw one of the men from the campsite hovering over this tiny little wisp of a girl....he was cutting into her slowly, peeling the skin from her body. He was naked and covered in her blood.” Rick watched as Dean dug his thumbs into the corner of his eyes as if he were trying to rub the image away.

 

“She was still alive, _barely_.”

 

“ God...she didn’t make any fuckin noise, she didn’t even cry when he cut into her. She just kept staring at me. Staring into me like she was trying to suck out my soul.” Dean took a deep breath and closed his eyes.

 

“I don’t remember very clearly what happened after that, it comes to me in flashes sometimes. I remember bits and pieces. I remember slitting the man’s throat with his own knife. I remember the girl begging me to kill her. I remember how weak and soft her voice was and how warm her blood felt compared to the sick son of bitch who I had just killed.”

 

“I remember it took me four days of hiding in the woods and slowly picking them off one by one before I had killed enough of those bastards that the ones that were left started to panic.” Dean rubbed his hands against his face hard and gripped his hair tight.

 

“I should have know!...Fuck! I should have planned for it, but I didn’t. The only thing I had on my mind was _kill every single one of those fuckers_!” He slammed his head back against the tree making Rick lunge forward and grab him before he did any more damage

 

“I really didn’t think they would do that! I didn’t know that killing a few of those assholes would cause the rest of them to fuckin turn around and put a bullet through _all_ the women and children they held prisoner!”

 

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

“I didn’t fucking know I swear!” By this point Dean was openly sobbing into Rick’s shoulder, gripping the back of his shirt like his life depended on it. Rick held on to Dean just as hard, trying to sooth the distraught man in his arms. “Ssh, ssh its ok it’s not your fault darlin’...please Dean. Come on babe your scarin’ me, you gotta breath for me love.” Rick prayed that the reassurances he fed Dean were whispered low enough that Daryl didn’t hear. Because even after everything that had happened today, the hunter still governed Rick’s thoughts.

 

Rick didn’t know how long he sat there with Dean in his arms rocking him back and forth murmuring words in a low voice trying to get his breathing regulated, but after what seemed like hours Dean finally looked up. His face was red and splotchy and his eyelashes were clumped together into star points from all the tears. Dean slowly reached up and touched Ricks face with trembling fingers “Please...please make it stop. Please Rick.”

 

Rick shook his head in confusion “Make what stop Dean, I don’t understand.”

 

 

“I can’t stop wanting to hurt people, I can’t stop _wanting_ to kill and beat and rip anyone I see apart. All I can think about is how fucked up people are. All I can see every time I look at someone are those men.”  Dean suddenly pulled away and stood, towering over Rick, who was still kneeling on the ground at his feet. Desperation in his voice as he tried to make Rick understand how completely fucked up he was.

 

“Fuck ...Rick I was going to shoot you! I didn’t know who you were at the time but I didn’t care. To me you were just some schmuck in the woods and I just didn’t fucking care! I had every intention of just blowing your brains out of your skull, I had already started to pull the trigger when you looked up and I recognized you.” 

 

“But you didn’t shoot me Dean, you didn’t pull the trigger and that’s what matters.” No sooner had the words left his mouth, than he felt Daryl yanking him up onto his feet and start to pull him away from Dean. He glared at Rick, still gripping his arm, “Ya forgot ta mention tha’ your friend here tried to fuckin’ kill ya Grimes.” 

 

Rick yanked his arm free rubbing the spot that had been gripped; it was sure to bruise by tomorrow. 

 

“Because it wasn’t important and it ain’t any of your damn business! Oh...and by the way, when the hell did ya get so damn handsy?”

 

Daryl scowled at the former deputy, choosing to ignore the latter part of his statement and zeroed in on the part that pissed him off. “It’s plenty my business ya fuck! Especially when ya’re to damn stupid ta take care of ya own damn self!”

 

“So... let me get this straight I’m a whore, I’m crazy AND I’m stupid! Good to fuckin know! Thank you _so_ much for that insight Daryl! Bra-fuckin-oh!” Rick mockingly clapped his hands in the hunters face, he knew he was treading into dangerous waters inciting Daryl’s anger like this, but he just couldn’t seem to stop himself. He knew he was being vindictive and that he should just stop, calm down and try to talk to Daryl. But every time he got close to letting go of his anger Daryl went ahead and said something stupid to piss him off even more then the last time. Rick usually had a thick skin but people he let in; people he loved could damage him beyond repair.

 

Daryl just stood there, perhaps he was shocked into stillness by Rick’s unusual behavior or maybe it was starting to finally sink in that he had done some serious damage today to someone he truly loved. Daryl swallowed down whatever he was about to say trying harder then he ever had before to stop the avalanche of destruction he had let loose onto his relationship with Rick. “Are ya done Grimes?” Rick could tell it cost the hunter a great deal to keep the scowl off his face.

 

“I don’t know Dixon, are you?” Daryl took a step back and clenched his hands at the use of his last name. Rick watched in fascination as the other man’s Adam’s apple bobbed and he visibly tried to relax his stance. He looked at Rick in a way that he hadn’t done in a very long time, slowly tracing every detail of Rick’s face with what might have been longing in his eyes. “Yeah, I’m done.”

 

If Rick had known that those were going to be the last words he heard Daryl say to him for weeks Rick would have tried harder to commit them to memory. He would have taken a moment to savoir that deep and rough southern drawl. But instead he just stood there and watched as Daryl stepped away from him and started back towards the prison, never once looking back.

 

“What now?”

 

Rick looked back at Dean; he had tried to gather himself up wiping away the tears and straightening his clothes, he picked up both of the bags he had carried out with him from the farmhouse. Rick turned back around and watched as Daryl’s form got smaller and smaller the further away he walked from him. Rick could feel himself getting emptier and emptier the longer he stared at Daryl’s retreating figure; a numbness overcame him almost as if some one had rubbed lidocaine all over his skin.

 

“Now? Now we head back to the prison get some rest, eat some food and tomorrow or the day after you can show me where that big stash of supplies you were braggin’ about earlier is.”

 

“Wait..does that mean you’re...”

 

“Yeah,” Rick cut the other man off “I’m gonna go with you ta find your brother.” He glanced back and watched as Dean’s whole demeanor changed, his eyes lit up with joy and his body seemed to vibrate with relief.

 

“Thank you...God thank you Rick.” It truly scared him how much he craved the reverence in Dean’s voice, how much he loved to be wanted. He reached back and took Dean’s hand pulling him close to his body, he brushed the back of his knuckles softly against Dean’s still damp cheek and he leaned forward to lightly brushed his lips against Dean’s supple mouth. The other man’s lips were tacky from the tears and they clung to Rick’s mouth as he pulled away.

 

He looked at Dean and tried as hard as he could to feel something anything that wasn’t dark or distorted, just something good...something sweet; but all he could feel was pain.

 

They set off towards the prison together, just a few yards behind Daryl. But to Rick, the distance between him and the archer felt like miles.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HINT: Did anyone catch the discrepancy in Dean's kill numbers? That was done for a reason and will be touched on in the next chapter.


	7. Divide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> People at the prison finally get to meet Dean.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh I had no idea this chapter was going to be such a pain in the ass. I'm still not real happy with it and I ended up making it a little shorter then I had wanted to but the stupid chapter was just giving me fits! SO I'm gonna suck it up and just post it because I need to move on to the gritty stuff. Next chapter is mostly done just working out some of the smutty details...REALLY need to find a beta for this beast it would probably cut my posting time by half. If anyones interested let me know....and remember comments keep me going! ;-)

The journey back to the prison was tense and uncomfortable, Rick was still processing everything that had happened today and trying to make sense of all the things Dean had confessed to him. He really didn’t know what Daryl made of Dean’s actions or the potential ramifications. However, the fact that he seemed to have given up his argument against Dean coming into the prison led Rick to believe that the hunter at least understood Dean’s actions even if he didn’t agree with them.

 

Rick was hopeful that everything would turn out all right, at least now he knew Dean had a good reason for behaving the way he did. Now that he understood Dean a little better maybe he could actually help him or at the very least anticipate any potential problems. If anyone could understand being overwhelmed and consumed by your own inner darkness it was Rick. He had been there, in the dark, downing in his madness for days after Lori’s death. Reacting with violence letting the rage consume him to the point that he could no longer control his actions, could no longer control the movements of his very body. But Rick had his children to think about he had people depending on him for their very survival at the time, so he had forced himself to come back and walk out of the darkness. His sanity hanging on by a thread. Rick just wasn’t sure if he could bring Dean back he wasn't sure if Dean was already too far gone and if he wasn't, was Rick really enough of a reason for Dean to come back out of the darkness?

 

Make no mistake this world changes you. Forces you to become something more sinister, more basic. This world strips you of your humanity and then laughs in your face when you scratch and claw to try and get it back.

 

Sometimes you just don’t _get_ to come back.

 

Rick glanced over his shoulder Dean hadn’t said a word since the clearing, hadn’t even lifted up his head for the remainder of the journey back to the prison, trusting Rick to guide his way without question or hesitation. The other mans devotion and all consuming faith in Rick still made his skin crawl with unease.

 

 _After what he has been through after what he has witnessed how can he be so devoted to me._ The thought kept plaguing Rick the entire way back to the prison, he just couldn’t understand Dean’s complete loyalty to him. Rick was hesitant to call it love that was a dangerous word that should not be thrown around carelessly. But Dean seemed to be of the mind that what he felt for Rick could be nothing else, Dean loved Rick utterly and completely and he really didn’t know how he felt about that.

 

Rick’s turbulent thoughts came to a stand still the minute he saw the prison come into view. It was still a ways away, but he could see that Daryl had already reached the gates. Rick sighed heavily and stopped walking, waiting for Dean to catch up to him. When he did he remained silent, hesitantly raising his head and meeting Rick’s stare with a look of wariness.

 

“Did you change your mind?” Dean whispered. Rick shook his head “No I still want to let you into the prison. I think you need to feel safe more then any other person I’ve ever met out on the road.” Rick reached out to touch Dean but stopped himself from actually making contact. He stared hard into iridescent emerald eyes, Rick could spend hours studying Dean’s eyes and never come up with an accurate description of their color or ever completely understand what lay behind them.

 

“Don’t think I didn’t notice Dean.” Rick stretched his neck to the side until it popped; the stress of recent events had done a number on his back.

 

“Wha...what do you mean?” if Rick didn’t know any better he might have been convinced of Dean’s ignorance, but he wasn’t fooled.

 

“You left out five kills.” Dean stayed quiet his face turning to stone. Rick shook his head and rubbed the back of his neck. “Look Dean I’m not lookin’ for a reason to get rid of you, I’m lookin’ for a reason to hold on and fight for you. You said you had killed forty-eight people, but when you started talking about the campsite you said there were forty-three. You’re a very smart man Dean, dangerously smart you used exact numbers for a reason didn’t you?”

 

Dean turned and looked towards the prison. “We should get a move on, its gonna get dark soon.”

 

“You don’t have to tell me now, but you do have to tell me eventually. Sooner rather the later Dean, I need to know. I can’t afford any surprises, unknowns are what get you killed” Steel slipped back into Ricks voice and the promise of violence flickered in his eyes.

 

Goosebumps rose all along Dean’s flesh, he closed his eyes and tipped back his head a look of satisfaction on his face. Rick followed the movement of the other man’s tongue as it slowly grazed a plump pink lower lip. “When you fuck me Rick, I want you to fuck me with that voice and with just the right amount of violence.”

 

Rick’s mouth went dry as he tried to swallow down his lust at the other man’s words; he gave Dean a suspicious look and quickly turned on his heel and started marching towards the prison at a fast clip. He could hear the other man chuckle softly behind him.

 

By the time Rick walked through the gates it seemed as if almost everyone from the prison had come out to stare at him. He stopped half way between the gate and the prison, ignoring everybody’s stares and their concerned questions. A feeling of panic and pure terror started to set in making a thin sheen of sweat break out over his skin. _Fuck! What have I done? What the hell have I done?!_

It was almost as if the very act of walking back into his home and back into his actual life had allowed sanity to filter in and clear his muddied emotions. Rick was just about to turn around and tell Dean he was _so so very sorry but he just couldn’t he really couldn’t go through..._

 

That’s when Rick saw him and _her._

There huddled in the shadow of the prison’s main building staring at him with concern clear on his face was Daryl.

 

And right fucking next to him touching his arm shifting closer to the hunter’s body and trying to get his attention was sweet _sweet_ littleBeth _._

The look of concern on Daryl’s face increased the longer Rick stared at the _happy_ couple, he could feel the hurt and betrayal festering in his gut.

 

He could only image what Daryl saw when he looked at him, it had to be pretty obvious to place such a look of mounting concern on the hunters face. The son of a bitch probably felt sorry for him. Sad, pathetic, lonely Rick.

 

Rick watched as concern flipped to alarm then all out fear as Daryl jerked his arm out of Beth’s grasp. She looked over at Rick, confusion written all over her face. Then, strangely enough, a look a pure rage fell over her lovely features and she whirled on Daryl viciously hissing words Rick couldn’t quite hear. He had been so focused on the interaction between Daryl and Beth that he didn’t hear the questions directed towards him by all the people surrounding him until he felt Carol dig her nails into his bicep.

 

“Shit! Ouch! Carol what the hell.”

 

“Oh good you _can_ hear I was just soooo worried that something had happened to your hearing.” The sarcasm in her voice could have burned through steel. Rick cleared his throat and tried to regain his bearings, but the hurt and anger at seeing Beth act so familiarly towards Daryl still simmered behind his eyes. He looked at Dean who, by this point, had been stripped of all his weapons and had a very focused Sasha leveling a rifle at his back.

 

Unsurprisingly Dean didn’t look the least bit concerned.

 

“It’s alright Sasha, put the gun down. This is Dean he’s a friend of mine from my days back at the police academy. He saved my life today... if it hadn’t been for him I probably wouldn’t be here.” Rick swallowed the thick feeling of deceit lodged in his throat and looked around at the remaining group of people that surrounded him and Dean. The majority, having felt the tension of the situation, and seemed to have made their excuses and left. All that really remained were Hershel, Glenn, Sasha, Carol and a bit further away looming behind his sister was Tyreese.

 

“I offered to let him stay here at the prison. If that’s alright with the counsel of course.” So maybe he exaggerated today’s events a little and maybe he was making Dean come off a little...well... _saner_ then he actually was. It would make thing easier in the long run, besides Rick was exhausted he didn’t want to deal with everyone’s judgments. He didn’t want to have to answer their questions and explain his motivations or actions.

 

He didn’t think he deserved to be scrutinized by everyone on top of having to deal with seeing _her_ with Daryl, touching him invading his personal space like it was something she did everyday. Rick’s initial sense of panic at letting Dean into his home was, by now, completely replaced by an all consuming need to feel anything besides the jealous heart ache that welled up inside of him.

 

He could tell everyone was surprised by his introduction, but it was Glenn who finally spoke up.

 

“Well hell Rick if he’s a friend of yours then I’m sure that’s reason enough for the counsel to let him stay. Right Hershel?” Glenn said with a forced bright smile, his unease with the resonating tension clear as day on his open face. Hershel merely observed the new comer with critical eyes; he let the silence permeate the group until people started to shift with tension.

 

“Of course Glenn, we all here trust Rick’s judgment.” The older man paused meaningfully and leveled a disapproving look towards Rick. “He would never willfully place our people in danger, now would you Rick?” Rick looked away unable to carry the weight of the other mans stare without coloring with shame.

 

“Never Hershel, I would never do anything to hurt our people.” The words were punch out of him, practically under his breath, his fists started to clench up in anger. Rick could feel Dean’s worried eyes burning his skin, he was just about to reach forward and grab the other man and get them both out from under every ones scrutiny, when Hershel’s next words stopped him cold.

 

“Or yourself?”

 

Rick looked up in confusion, “What?”

 

“Or yourself, Rick. You would never do anything to hurt our people or **yourself....** Right?”

 

Rick met Hershel’s concerned eyes and answered his question with dead silence; he was starting to wonder if Hershel could see something in Dean that he might have missed. Or maybe Daryl had done or said something to make Hershel so suspicious, Rick was leaning towards the latter he really should have tried harder to keep Daryl in his line of sight when they were making their way back to the prison. Who knows what the hunter might have revealed about his relationship with Dean, he had reached the prison a good 5 or 10 minutes before Rick and even thought Daryl tended to keep things to himself, sometimes his actions spoke louder then his words. Hershel took a breath and was no doubt about to say something more on the subject when, thankfully, the uncomfortable situation was interrupted.

 

“DAD!” Rick turned around just in time to catch his son as Carl threw himself into Rick’s arms.

 

“Ooof!...Hey there kiddo.”

 

“Dad where were you!? I was really startin’ to worry something bad happened to you. Everyone said you were fine but you never came back from checkin the snares. Did you get caught out in the rain?”

 

“Snares?” Rick looked over at Carol in confusion.

 

“Yes Rick, the snares you got up early this morning to check, _remember_?” She arched her brow and put on a concerned face “Oh! Sweetie, did you get a little too much sun and get a bit confused?” Rick didn’t think it was possible for Carol to sound any more condescending. He gave the woman a withering look over his son’s head but was only met by a magnanimous smile.

 

“Yeah I guess the sun did get to me a bit.” Rick said through gritted teeth. Carl just stood between the two; suspicion flitted across his features until he noticed the new comer.

 

“Who’s that Dad?” but before Rick could reply Dean had stepped forward and stretched out his hand towards his boy.

 

“Hey, my names Dean. I’m actually an old friend of your dad’s from way back. We went to the police academy together. Its nice to finally meet you Carl.” Carl looked at his father and at Rick’s reassuring smile he relaxed and shook the other man’s hand. “Hi! It’s nice to meet you too. That’s crazy that you and my Dad ran into each other today.” Carl eyed the new comer critically.

 

“When was the last time you actually saw my Dad?” Carl was many things but stupid wasn’t one of them. His son had grown up fast in the last few months and he had learned never to take anything at face value. If Rick weren’t so anxious to get out from under everyone’s scrutiny he would have been very proud at his son’s insightfulness. 

 

Dean glanced up at Rick then back towards Carl. “Oh probably a few years now, but we always stayed in touch. I was always around.” Dean looked up and held Rick’s eye “Ya know cuz I was stationed in Atlanta.”

 

Carl’s brow scrunched up “Huh...that’s...” he trailed off in confusion.

 

“What is it Carl?”

 

“Huh? Oh! Nothing I just thought ...”

 

“What?” Rick looked down at his son in concern.

 

Carl looked at Dean and then back at his dad. “I just thought I recognized him from somewhere. Thought maybe he had stopped by the house when I was little...But if he was workin’ in Atlanta I would have remembered him visiting...I guess I must be confusing him with one of your other co-workers.” Carl smiled up at his dad and shrugged off his doubts. “Hey let me go get Judy! Dean hasn’t met her yet she’s inside with Maggie.” As Carl ran off Rick shot Dean a murderous glare.

 

“If ya’ll would excuse us Dean has had a rough couple a days and I’m sure he’s very tired.” Never taking his eyes off the other man Rick clenched down hard on Dean’s upper arm causing him to wince in pain. “I’m just gonna show him around and get him situated and we’ll meet back with everyone at dinner.” Rick hadn’t even finished talking before he was all but dragging Dean away from the group and towards the prison.

 

Carol made to follow the two men “Rick! Are you sure everything is ok? Do you need help _situating_ your friend?” the last was said with a dangerous amount of menace in her voice.

 

Rick looked back at Carol and shook his head he forced himself to relax his hold on Dean’s arm and tried to ease her concern. “No Carol I’ll be alright, but thank you for the offer.” He turned back around and quickly continued on his way, before Carol’s perceptive gaze dissected him completely.

 

As they walked into the main building of the prison where the cell blocks for the majority of the group were housed, Dean yanked his arm out of Rick’s punishing grasp. “Jesus! Rick what the actual fuck?”

 

“Why does my son recognize you?”

 

“How the fuck should I know!” Dean hissed trying to keep his voice down. “Maybe he saw me in a photo or maybe he caught a glimpse of me when I was hanging around the prison.” Dean shifted around and looked over his shoulder, Carl was walking towards them carrying his sister.

 

“That reminds me DO NOT mention, to anyone, the fact that you were stalking around the prison for weeks!” Rick hissed back, the other man turned around and rolled his eyes. “No shit Sherlock. Oh! And by the way I wasn’t stalking the whole damn prison I was only stalking _you_.”

 

“Yeah don’t fuckin mention that either.” Rick growled out right before plastering a fake smile for his quickly approaching children.

 

“Hey, Dean this is Judy.” Carl smiled proudly as he hitched up his sister a little higher onto his hip. Dean looked down at the baby in awe and reached out to softly stroke her cheek. “She’s gorgeous.” He whispered reverently, he smiled and huffed out a small laugh “She has her daddies eyes that’s for damn sure.” Judith looked up at Dean with a piercing gazed, her bright blue eye looking right into his crystal green one. Finally, Judith raised her arms out towards Dean and made grabby hands at his face in the universal gesture that all children made when they wanted to be picked up and picked up now damn it!

 

Rick laughed softly in delight at his daughter’s antics, secretly relieved and please that Judith seemed to approve of Dean, in all honesty his daughter’s easy acceptance of the other man lifted a huge weight of doubt from off Rick’s shoulders. He began to laugh even harder at the look of sheer panic that had slowly crept onto Dean’s face, Carl quickly caught on to the other man’s discomfort as well and joined in his father’s amusement. “She ain’t gonna bite Dean, go on you can hold her.”

 

Dean shook his head and lifted his hands in defense “I’ve never held a baby before! I don’t wanna hurt her.” Carl tried to smother his laughter and merely hefted up his sister and shoved her into Dean’s arms. “It’s not rocket science it’s a baby. Besides if you don’t hold her she’s gonna cry and then you’ll really be in trouble.” Dean scrambled to wrap his arms around the precious bundle and secure her safely against his chest, his back hunched slightly almost as if he were trying to protect her with his whole body. Rick smiled fondly at the awkwardness of the other man a warm feeling began to spread through his chest at the sight of Dean being so very careful with his baby girl. He looked terrified but also incredibly happy to be holding something that meant so much to Rick. Dean careful straightened up and shifted Judith into a more comfortable position wrapping an arm under her legs and placing his other hand securely on her upper back and neck. “Is..is this ok?” he stuttered hesitantly never taking his eyes off his precious cargo. When he only received silence to his question he tore his eye away from Judith’s smiling and laughing face, apparently she thought Dean’s antics were hilarious. Dean looked first at Carl’s smiling face then up at Rick, his expression was a little hard to read but the hope and awe coloring Rick's voice was plain as day. “It’s perfect.”

 

If Rick hadn’t been so focused on Dean and his children, if he hadn’t been so enthralled by his baby girls affection towards Dean, if he had only looked up a split _second_ sooner he would have seen Daryl standing a few feet away.

 

Rick would have seen the sheer undeniable devastation written on the hunters face and the sheen of tears welling up in his eyes.

 

If Rick had looked up a _minute_ sooner, he would have seen the determination to set things right in Daryl’s expression as he walked towards Rick. But unfortunately he didn’t look up a split second sooner and he didn’t look up a minute sooner either. In fact by the time Rick had felt the sensation of being watched crawl up along his spine, Daryl had already schooled his features and blinked away his tears. By the time Rick looked up at Daryl all he saw in the hunters face was hate, true undiluted hate. It reminded Rick so much of Shane, that exact same look of hate had seared Rick's skin right before his former best friend had taken him out into the woods and tried to kill him.

 

Rick felt a cold sweat break out all over his body.

 

What Rick didn’t realize was that Daryl wasn’t looking at him....he was looking at Dean.


	8. Elucidate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just like the title says we finally get some clarification about whats going on with Beth and Daryl. And Rick and Dean's relationship takes a dangerous turn. The things that Dean has experienced and witnessed are going to heavily influence his behavior towards Rick.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter was a little easier to whip out then the last, thank God! So sorry its taken me so long to get to the meat of this story I just feel like I need to flesh out all the characters and their motivation. Doesn't seem right to just get to the smut without a reason, at least for this story and the way I'm trying to write it. Don't get me wrong I LOVE a story that has some good smut within the first 2,000 words and I was really hoping I could do that for you guys but the story just wouldn't let me. So again so sorry its taking me so long to get to the good stuff but its just around the corner so please please please stick with me ;-) I hope I still have a few people interested in this story remember I love comment I really appreciate everyones input! Thank you! Oh! and in case anyone is interested I have placed a picture at the end of the chapter of what I picture Dean looking like ;-)

Beth honestly couldn’t remember _ever_ feeling this pissed off and that’s including the time Maggie put gum in her hair and Mama had to chop half of her hair off to get all the gunk out. She tried to breathe and calm her racing heart but every time she thought of the look on Rick’s face as he stared a hole into her head she just felt the rage rising up again.

 

Don’t misunderstand she was in no way upset or angry with Rick, if anything she could completely relate to how Rick must have felt seeing her grab Daryl like she had. She had stood by and watched Maggie flirt with boys who her sister knew damn well Beth had had a crush on enough times to recognize the expression on Rick’s face, she had seen it plenty of times in the damn mirror.

 

If Beth had known what the situation was if she had know that the _idiotic_ redneck hadn’t cleared things up with Rick she wouldn’t have gotten within 100 yards of the hunter. But she hadn’t known damn it!

 

And now she was pissed!

 

Beth could honestly say, without pretention, that she loved Rick truly loved him. It was hard for someone so young and inexperienced to put into words what being a part of Rick’s family really meant to her. Beth adored Carl, she loved the way his eyes would light up whenever he had something new to show her in one of his comic books or how he would trust her to listen to him even when all he wanted to talk about was how Patrick was annoying the crap out of him. She loved Judith like she was her own she treasured her time with Judith like the miracle it was. Beth knew she wasn’t Judith’s mother and she would never assume that position, she had made a promise to herself and to Carl that as soon as Judith was old enough to understand she would regale the little girl with stories about Lori so that she would know what a wonderful woman Lori had been, even if Beth hadn’t agreed with how Lori had behaved towards Rick.

 

Beth wasn’t the type to judge especially when she didn’t know the entire story behind Grime’s family situation. It was hard for Beth to explain exactly what the Grime’s family truly meant to her without sounding like she was trying to inject herself into a ready made family, and maybe she was. Maybe she had crossed a line but Rick had needed help and she had wanted to prove to everyone that she wasn’t a useless waste of space.

 

Beth had learned at a young age that she would never have a family of her own she would never be able to get pregnant and have a child, so to be gifted with a miracle like Judith and the Grimes was more then she had ever hoped for. She couldn’t put into words how blessed she had felt the first time she had managed to sooth Judith’s cries. Her heart still swelled with pride and joy every time she thought back to how Rick had looked at her with such appreciation and had graced her with one of his more intimate smiles, it had been small but it had lit up his lightening blue eyes like a summer storm.

 

It had been in the middle of the night and she could still remember how loud and pain filled Judith’s cries had sounded, Rick had already been up for two days straight and he had looked so exhausted. Beth had slipped from her cell and walked towards the agitated cries. She had silently sidled up to Rick and offered to take Judith for a little while, if only to give the man a break and let him sit down for a bit. He had sunk down to the floor just letting his body collapse and slide down the prison wall he had sat there shaking with fatigue with his knees bent, his arms resting limp at his side and his chin pressed into his chest. He had looked so despondent that all Beth had wanted to do was help carry the load of responsibility and stress that bowed down his strong shoulders. So she had sung a slow lullaby, one that her Mama had loved to sing to her when she was little, and after a few minutes of soft humming and slow rocking Judith had finally quieted down and fallen asleep. Rick had looked up at her in awe and had given her one of the most beautiful smiles she had ever seen, it had taken her breath away and made her feel special, like she was important...no not just that she was important but that she was important to _him._

 

It was in that moment that Beth had realized that she needed Rick as much if not more then Rick needed her.

 

So yes she loved Rick and yes she felt a physical attraction towards him, _I mean who wouldn’t he was gorgeous!_ But she also knew her place.

 

Beth was not a weak girl, despite what people may think of her, she could hold her own. She had learned to hit hard and fight dirty at the hands of her older siblings, Maggie especially. So she knew how to come out on top and hit people were it hurt, she knew how to utilize every weapon at her disposal to get the outcome she wanted. If Beth had tried she could have caught Rick’s attention she had no doubt about that, another lesson Maggie unknowingly taught her. Beth knew how to flirt and word things in such a way that they could sound both innocent and salacious and despite how hard her Daddy had tried to guide her away from the path Maggie had marched down, Beth was far from innocent. So on the few occasions where she had thought about it, seriously thought about hitting on Rick and maybe offering a hand in relieving some of that pent up stress all she had had to do was look over towards their gruff elusive archer to shut those thoughts down _hard._

 

Carol has always said that Daryl was just big ol’ teddy bear that his bark was worse then his bite. Daryl would never intentionally hurt anyone unless his life or the lives of the people he cared about were threatened.

 

Beth knew better.

 

The way Daryl looked at Rick was the way a disciple looked at their God. Beth had no doubt in her mind that Daryl would kill for Rick, like so many worshipers before him had killed for their God. Beth wasn’t an idiot; she wasn’t about to risk offending the zealot with the crossbow by trying to take away someone Daryl had built his whole religion around.

 

She didn’t know him but Beth could honestly say she felt a little bad for the newcomer, she was pretty sure his name was Dean, he had no idea what he was getting himself into. Beth had recognized the proprietary look on the stranger’s face whenever he looked at Rick, something he did much too often even for Beth’s comfort. She had also immediately noticed how close Dean had stood next to Rick, almost as if Dean felt a physical pain being to far away from him. However, even more concerning then Dean’s lack of personal space had been Rick’s easy acceptance of the other man’s invasion if it.

 

Poor Dean he had no idea what he had just started. Wars fought over a religion or a God were always the bloodiest.

 

Beth heard the hunter before she actually saw him. Daryl came barreling down the hall anger boiling over in every movement his hands fisted in his hair as if he could gain control of the situation if he just pulled hard enough. Beth stood up from her bunk in alarm and rushed out of her cell to grab the agitated man, yanking him back in the other direction before anyone else could notice the state he was in. She dragged him with all her strength down towards the boiler room where finally he yanked his arm out of her hard grip. “Ge’ tha fuck off me woman! You’re sure gettin’ damn familiar and I ain’t liken’ it!”

 

“Oh don’t flatter yourself Dixon! What the hell happened?! Did ya talk to Rick did ya straighten everythin’ out?” Beth watch in astonishment as the anger drained from Daryl’s body, he shrunk in on himself and started biting his thumbnail. For reason’s Beth would never be clear on, this simple act made her even angrier then she had been before. “You stupid son of bitch!” she shoved hard at the man only moving him because he was so completely in shock by the words and the volume Beth’s voice had delivered them.

 

“What tha fuck did ya jus’ say ta me!” Daryl roared back grabbing Beth’s arm hard and throwing her away from him in disgust.

 

Beth grit her teeth and rubbed her sore arm where the hunter had grabbed her. “You’re gonna ruin everything! I’m not gonna stand by and let you destroy everything Rick’s invested in us...in _you_! He loves you ya damn idiot! And he deserves to be loved back he deserves to be treated like someone wants _him_ , all of him. Not someone who _you_ decided looked good up high on a damn pedestal, all because you’re to damn scared to tell Rick how ya feel!” Beth stepped up to Daryl shoving a finger into his chest “Do you have any idea how Dean looks at Rick? Do you even have a fucking clue what a man like that is capable of?” she hissed, lowering her voice so that they wouldn’t draw any unwanted attention to themselves.

 

Daryl looked down at Beth as if he had never seen her before, and maybe until this very moment he really hadn’t. He stepped back and let out a heavy breath as his shoulders and back hit the wall behind him. “I ain’t stupid Beth.” He spit the words out like venom “I know ok...I fuckin’ know.” Daryl seemed to cave in on himself as he leaned against the wall in front of the boiler room he banged his head on the wall behind him and slowly slid down until he sat on the floor.

 

Beth looked away and rubbed both hands through her hair, she bit her lower lip and glanced down at the broken man at her feet.

 

“I’m sorry...I didn’t mean it Daryl. I know you’re not stupid I just lost my temper, I wasn’t thinking.” Beth stepped back as well and slid down the opposite wall across from Daryl mirroring his pose. They both stayed quite for a long while until Daryl hazard a glance through his bangs. “Guess tha’ temper ain’t confined ta just Maggie, huh?”

 

Beth looked up at the hunter and gave him a contrite smile, shrugging her shoulders and letting out small huff of a laugh. “Guess not.”

 

“I tried ya know...after what happen’d in tha court yard...after he looked at me like _I_ had broken his heart and he looked at ya like he hated ya.” Beth flinched at hearing her worst fears solidified with those uttered words. Daryl continued not realizing the pain he had inflicted. “I tried ta talk ta him like ya said, ta explain everything about this mornin’ but I couldn’t get tha words out. They just got stuck inna my throat when I saw how happy he was wit’ Dean, how Dean was holdn’ lil ass kicker. I...I just couldn’t get the words out past the rage. Ain’t ever felt like tha before...not even when Merle and his buddies did their worse ta me.” Daryl mumbled the last part mostly to himself almost forgetting about Beth’s presence.

 

“So...I wasn’t just imagining that, huh? He really does hate me.” She whispered the words so low Daryl had to lean in to hear them. Beth had her head down and her blond wheat hair obscured some of her face. Daryl watched in fascination as the young girl who had stood toe to toe with him and shown no fear, now sat there curling in on herself with tears streaming down her face. It took longer then it should have but realization slowly trickled across his features. Beth didn’t see, but if she had she probably would have been a bit concerned by how viciously the man across from her stiffened and gripped his own fingers across his upraised knees, tightening his hold on them until they turned white from blood loss.

 

“Ya love him don’t ya?” It was said as a question but Beth knew it was more of a statement. The tone of voice now coming from the hunter would have sent grown men running for the hills, but by this point Beth felt nothing she was just numb. She knew Daryl probably felt a justified sense of betrayal, he had divulged things to her, and her alone, that he would never have dreamed to voice out loud. Beth was truly honored that Daryl had trusted her in that way she was a loyal person and she had done nothing to betray him, but the energy it would take to explain everything to the angry hunter the energy it would take to care about his reaction had slipped from her body the minute he had uttered those damning words. All she could think all she could feel was _Rick hated her._

“Yeah...I love him.” Beth never lifted up her head, not even when she heard Daryl get up and start pacing back and forth in front of her.

 

Finally Daryl stopped and glared down at the girl “Are ya fuckin’ kiddin’ me...Jesus everything I told ya...Fuck! I trusted ya Beth!”

 

The more Daryl spoke the louder his voice became and the angrier Beth felt. “It doesn’t matter Daryl,” Beth speared the agitated man with cold sky blue eyes. “I never betrayed ya so get off you’re damn high horse, everything I said every piece of advice I gave you I gave cuz I wanted you and Rick to be happy together...I doesn’t matter what I feel cuz I know my damn place ok.” She looked away as understanding and remorse lowered the angry set of Daryl’s shoulders and slackened his fisted hands.

 

“Why’d ya do it Beth?” She glanced back up at the hunter in mild confusion. “Why did I do what?”

 

“Why’d ya sit there and listen ta me go on an’ on about my fucked up situation wit’ Rick and just take it? If it had been me and I was listenin’ to someone talk about Rick tha way I did...well it would have killed me.” Daryl looked down at the girl who he was just starting to realize was a hell of a lot more complicated then he originally thought.

 

Beth tipped her head back and sighed “Never said it didn’t hurt...just figured since I was never in the equation, since I never really had a prayer of gettin’ what I wanted, at least not everything, I should be happy with what I could get. And I was, I’ve never been this happy in my entire life, Rick he...”

 

Beth looked away and Daryl watched as she swallowed back her tears. “Rick made me complete, he made me whole.” She looked back up at the hunter with defiance in her eyes. “But just because I love him doesn’t mean I was tryin’ to screw things up with you and him. I just want Rick to finally be happy and I knew he would be happy with you I knew he loved you more then anything, except maybe his kids. I wanted that for Rick, I wanted him to have the one person he wanted more then anything else, even if that person isn’t me. After everything he’s been through I just want him to be happy.” She stared at Daryl looking him in the eyes silently begging him to believe her.

 

Finally Daryl walked towards her and slid down the wall to sit down by her side letting his thigh nudge against hers. He took her hand into his and laced their fingers together, softly stroking across her knuckles. “Ya know Beth, you’re a hellavu lot stronger than me, than _most_ people, I think. Don’t let anyone tell ya otherwise.”

 

Beth huffed out a small laugh past the lump of sorrow forming in her throat. She smiled through the pain, something she was starting to get damn good at, and squeezed the larger fingers laced in-between her own. “So...” she sighed.

 

“So?” Daryl looked down and startled a bit at the fierce determination forming in Beth’s eyes.

 

“What the hell are we gonna do about that asshole Dean?”

 

* * *

 

 

Rick had stood there dumb struck as he watched Daryl turn away and storm off, the mental imprint of the hunter’s hate filled eyes forever burned into his psyche. Rick turned back at the sound of his daughter’s laughter and tried to shake off the numbness slowly invading his body.

 

“Seriously Dean ya don’t have ta hold her like she’s spun sugar.” Carl laughed bright and clear along with his sister, he reaching out to save the other man from getting a spit covered palm to the face as Judith flailed her chubby arms about in her giddiness.

 

Dean smiled back at Carl in appreciation. “I know...I just don’t want to do anything that might scare or hurt her, I just want to keep her smiling at me I guess.” Dean shrugged helplessly and Carl just shook his head “Man it’s only been 5 minutes and she’s already got ya wrapped around her little finger.”

 

Dean let out a loud surprised laugh and carefully shifted Judith back to her brother, “Yeah, well like father like daughter. What can I say I’m a push over for a Grimes.”

 

“Good ta know.” Carl smirked and walked back to the common area to help finish feeding his sister. “That wasn’t a suggestion!” Dean called out towards the retreating boy with amused annoyance. Dean turned around laughing quietly to himself “Man that son of yours is kind of a smart ass...” Dean’s mirth quickly subsided and he trailed off mid sentence when he finally noticed the state Rick was in.

 

He looked hard at Rick noting the man’s sudden stillness and the thin film of perspiration covering his brow. “Are you ok Rick?” Dean reached out and ran his fingers down Rick’s arm. Rick let out a shuddering breath, coming alive at the soft touch. Rick stepped back and blinked away the burning sensation from his eyes. “What?...Yeah...yeah I’m fine just got a little lost in thought is all, but I’m fine. Come on let me show you where you can bunk down tonight and then we can grab some dinner with everyone, maybe go over the location of that big haul you were promising me.” Rick flashed a fake smile at the other man and starting walking towards the last cell at the end of cellblock C.

 

“Of course Rick, that sounds good.” Dean silently followed the other man observing things and storing away information about the former deputy that Rick had no idea he was revealing.

 

By the time they had walking into the cell that Dean would be sleeping in a mask of cold resolve had dropped over Dean’s face and before he could react before he even knew what was happening Rick felt something slam into his back shoving his body face first into the back wall of the cell he had just walked into. Rick’s temple hit hard against the unforgiving wall disorienting him long enough to allow Dean to yank and twist both arms up and behind his back, pain shot up his right shoulder at a particular vicious jerk administered by the other man.  His cheek was pressed up against the cold stone, a harsh counterpart to the heat flooding his face; he bit down on his lip until blood began to flood his mouth in an attempt to stop the scream of pain from escaping his clenched teeth. Rick’s heart was racing from the sudden attack, the pounding in his ears and head almost blocking out all other sounds, but he could still hear Dean. 

 

Rick could hear the harsh pants of the man behind him; he felt the hot moist breath against his neck and brushing his ear. Every inch of Dean’s front was pressed into Rick’s back so hard and with so much force that he began to have trouble breathing.

 

And yet Rick said nothing, he held perfectly still almost lax in the other man’s grip taking everything Dean wanted to dish out onto him.

 

“Jesus fuckin’ Christ, Rick aren’t you going to fight me?!” Dean whispered harshly into the ear of the man beneath him. Rick’s body began to tremble and despite the sudden adrenal rush from the initial attack he felt

no fear.

no anger.

no anxiety.

Rick felt nothing.

It was almost as if someone had walked into Rick’s head and turned off all the lights.

 

Dean jerked one of the wrists in his hand and twisted it viciously up in an awkward angle finally releasing a small whimper of pain out of Rick’s clenched lips. “Look Rick don’t get me wrong I am more then willing to give you anything you _think_ you need, I am more then capable of doing for you anything you _think_ you want. But I have to know beyond a shadow of a doubt....are you sure you want to walk down this path with me?”

 

Rick stayed silent for a long while, he thought about Dean’s words and about what he was offering. Rick thought about what Dean had already been through and what he was capable of and whether or not Rick could live with himself knowing that _he_ was the reason Dean let that darkness within himself back out again.

 

Because that _is_ what Dean would do...he would let the monster out he would open the door to all of his own demons if it meant giving Rick what he wanted. What he needed.

 

If it meant waking Rick back up.

 

Rick was just on the verge of saying _no its too much to ask too much to sacrifice. I’ll find another way, I’ll figure out how to save Shane..._

 

Rick swallowed down bile that had risen into his throat at the mere thought of Shane’s name. _Daryl I meant Daryl goddamnit!_

 

But by this point it was already too late all Rick could see when he thought of Daryl was the hatred burning in his eyes from just a few moments ago, that image suddenly blurred into the memory of Shane’s face as Rick stabbed him over and over again. His brother’s warm blood burning his skin, the sound of the knife plunging into Shane’s lungs and forcing the air from his body making Rick’s own chest hurt in sympathy. Hot tears blurred his vision he felt himself falling into his memories falling into the pit of harsh despair that the fight for survival had never let him fall into completely.

 

Then suddenly as if sensing his descent, Dean twisted his arm again clenching down hard onto his wrist, no doubt leave violent bruises behind. Rick gasped in pain and jerked his head back blinking away the tears and along with them the memory of his sins. But it did nothing to push away the guilt and shame. The pain did nothing to help separate, in his fractured mind, the hate he saw in Shane and the hate he saw in Daryl.

 

A small twisted part of himself almost felt flattered, as they say there is a thin line between love and hate. And to hate someone as much as it seemed Shane and Daryl hate him there must have been a wealth of love at its core.

 

“Yes” The word was whispered quickly before Rick could second-guess himself.

 

“What?” Dean asked awe and fear coloring his voice.

 

“I said yes...yes I’m sure. This is what I want.” It was stuttered out of a bloody mouth and said with such self-loathing that no sane person would have taken Rick seriously in that moment.

 

Unfortunately the only person around to hear Rick’s desperate words could hardly be accused of being 100% sane.

 

Dean leaned his head against the back of Rick’s neck and swallowed down his fear. He slackened his grip on Rick’s wrists and rubbed his growing erection obscenely into the virgin crevice of Rick’s tight supple ass. Rick’s breath hitched and his body began to tremble in earnest.

 

After a few quick moments of grinding into Rick’s ass so hard he was lifting the other man onto his toes Dean let go of Rick’s wrist completely and stepped away from the warm and pliant body beneath him. Rick kept perfectly still, the quintessential imitation of a deer caught in headlights; he kept his front pressed to the wall and his hands behind his back.

 

“Safe word...” Dean dragged a hand down his face, fatigue and weariness warring for dominance in his voice. “I need a safe word Rick. Before we...before I do anything else I need a safe word to keep me in check.”

 

Rick slowly dragged his eyes away from the wall in front of him to look over his shoulder. Ice-chip blue eyes filled with self-hate bore into starburst green eyes drowning in darkness.

 

“Brother...the safe word is brother.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 


	9. Abyss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rick is crossing a line he may not be able to come back from.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone I just want to let all of you who are still interested in this story, if there is anyone left that is, that I haven't abandoned it I'm still here and I'm still going to finish this story. I just hit a rough patch recently with the loss of one of my parents so I really haven't felt up to writing. But I'm back so hopefully I haven't lost too many of you ;-) 
> 
> This chapter was a little rough it was hard to get back into the groove of this story again so the chapter may seem a little short but I had to get my ass in gear somehow and just start writing again. I hope you like it. All mistakes are mine and since it's 4 a.m. my time I'm sure there are a few.
> 
> _____________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Everything hurt.

 

His head, his arms, his knees....God his fucking mouth!

 

He could still taste Dean’s cum at the back of his throat. He could still smell the other mans musk on his face. Rick sat there in the dinning hall with all his friends and family trying with all his might to act normal. To act as if he hadn’t just had another mans cock shoved so hard down his throat he could barely swallow the tasteless mash that was supper that night. Dean sat beside him silent and somber, eyes dark with self-loathing, but still doing a damn better job then Rick at acting some what normal. Dean at least tried to plaster on a fake smile for Carl as his son regaled the other man with a detailed description of the latest comic book he was reading.

 

Rick couldn’t even do that.

 

He felt sick and dirty. Too dirty. Like a million showers couldn’t wash off the taint from his mouth or from his body. _What did I just do?_

 

Rick seemed to be asking himself that question a lot in the last twenty-four hours. It wasn’t fair to Dean to put all the blame on him when it had been Rick who had asked for it. He had wanted to be punished, he had wanted to hurt, he had wanted someone to take the control out of his hands and make his brain just stop thinking!

 

Dean had done exactly what Rick had wanted him to do. Even if Rick hadn’t had the balls to say the words out loud Dean had understood, had read Rick’s needs and desires like it was his first and only language. He had taken the control out of Rick’s hands and now the only thing on Rick’s mind was how much his jaw ached and how much his throat hurt. Not how much Daryl’s disdain and contempt had reminded him of Shane or how much he wanted to hate Beth for taking away something that was never his to begin with.

 

Rick looked down at his food and slowly moved it from one side of his plate to the other. He jolted suddenly at the feel of a strong hand slowly sliding onto his thigh. He glanced down at the rough calloused hand that not too long ago had been buried in his curls, gripping his hair tight and repeatedly yanking his head viscously down onto a thick long cock. The hand on his thigh suddenly squeezed, nails biting into the muscle right above the knee. Rick jerked his head up and found himself pinned by the look of fear and worry etched onto Dean’s face.

 

“Wh...What?” Rick was shocked at how hoarse he sounded and judging by the sudden deafening silence around him and the widening eyes of the man next to him, he wasn’t the only one. Rick quickly reached for his water and tried to clear his throat. “Sorry...umm I missed that what did you say Dean?” His voice still wasn’t right but at least some of the conversations around him had started back up. Dean’s look of concern and shame increased about ten fold and honestly if the man didn’t do a better job of hiding his emotions they were both going to have a lot of overly protective people breathing down their necks.

 

Rick could already feel the heavy weight of Glenn and Maggie’s stare from where they sat across from them. Rick ignored the couple as best he could and fought his instinct to cringe away from Dean’s touch and instead gripped the other man’s hand tight on his thigh and gave it a reassuring squeeze.

 

Dean mustered up a slightly more genuine smile “I asked you if you had first watch tonight? Maggie was telling me about how everyone here rotates and takes watch up in the tower. I was just wondering if you had a shift tonight cuz if you did I’d like to keep you company.” The eager look of hope began to slip from Dean’s eyes at the lack of response, he slipped his hand out from under Rick’s grip and looked away, “I mean if that’s ok with you of course?” The last was uttered slightly above a whisper.

 

Rick turned back to his food and forced down a heaping spoonful of now very cold tasteless mash and glanced up across the dinning hall where he could see Carol sitting next to Daryl at one table and Beth a good 20 feet away sitting across from Sasha and Tyrese. He looked back at Dean who was waiting patiently for his response. Rick could tell the scrutiny from the other occupants of the table was starting to make Dean feel uncomfortable and awkward; Maggie in particular made no attempt to hide her interest in the tension slowly building up across from her.

 

Rick once again glanced up at Beth who he now noticed was not as animated as she usually was, her shoulder slightly hunched and who seemed to be making no attempt to participate in the conversation around her. Rick took a deep breath and looked back at Dean. “Yeah you can join me on watch tonight I’d like the company.” Rick could practically feel the tension leaving Dean’s body and a small but happy smile lighting up his features. “Ok..great just let me know when and I’ll head on up to the tower with you.” Dean turned back to his food, small smile still in place, and started to ask Carl another question about the Avengers when Rick suddenly stood up. Rick winced as his knees and back protested the motion, swaying slightly as he felt the blood rush to his head. Rick waved off Dean’s grasping hands and concerned look. “Just gotta get someone to watch Judy for a few hours and then we can head on up to the tower.” Not bothering to wait for Dean’s response Rick swallowed his pride and walked...well lets be honest, he fucking limped over to Beth’s table. _Next time I’m gonna use a fucking pillow._ Rick slowed his progress at the realization that he actually did want another time with Dean; he grimaced in annoyance at himself and tried to push all thoughts of Dean and a possible next time out of his head.

 

He slowly approached Beth from behind and softly slid his hand onto her slim shoulder to get her attention. Beth glanced up and did a double take before quickly grasping Rick’s hand from her shoulder and cradling it between her two much smaller softer hands. She quickly turned around on the bench seat and looked up at Rick with the most genuine expression of adoration he had ever seen. Rick couldn’t help compare the look to the one he had seen on Dean’s face back at the little farmhouse in the woods, except Beth radiated innocence and all consuming relief. Rick couldn’t stop the smile that stretched across his face even if he tried.

 

Don’t get him wrong Rick wanted to hate her he really did, but he just didn’t have it in him not when he was graced with such genuine emotions of relief and happiness. Rick didn’t know what he had done to put that expression on her face but it did something to Rick it lifted up some of the darkness he felt consuming him more and more each day.

 

Rick stayed silent for a moment longer gazing down at Beth’s upturned face her eyes brightening the longer he smiled down at her. If he didn’t know any better he would have sworn she was about to cry tears of joy. He glanced down at the hand Beth still hand clasped between hers, holding it close to her chest. Rick shook his head in confusion and huffed out a small laugh, impulsively he reached out and swept a loose strand of hair, the color of spun gold, back behind Beth’s cute ear touching the lobe as he drew his hand back. He could have sworn Beth swooned, but that couldn’t be right...could it?

 

Rick pushed away his confusion and gently pulled his hand out of Beth’s deceptively strong grip. He opened his mouth to ask what he came over here to ask, but before he could get word out Beth cut him off. “Yes...anything you need the answer is yes! Just name it and consider it done.” Rick blinked rapidly trying to process her quickly gasped words; he closed his still open mouth and squinted down at Beth. “Ooooook....I was just going to ask if you could watch Judy while I’m on watch tonight?”

 

“Yes! Of course I’d love to, I can take her for the whole night if you want so that way you can get some uninterrupted sleep.” Beth beamed up at him with an almost blinding smile it was a little concerning how much it reminded him of the way Dean looked at him. Rick felt his mouth go dry when he finally noticed everyone’s eyes on them, including Daryl’s from across the room.

 

“Oh...um that wont be necessary Beth really,” Rick tried to slowly back away he didn’t want to give anyone, mainly Daryl, the wrong impression about his relationship with the young girl. He was starting to regret the way he had touched her face so familiarly just a moment ago. The last thing he needed to deal with was Daryl’s jealousy if he started to think Rick was hitting on his _girlfriend_ “ I just really needed...”

 

“What Rick means is that he would love it if you could watch Judy for the entire night! That would be great Beth! Thanks a bunch!” Dean’s hand landed heavily on Rick’s shoulder as he appeared suddenly from behind. Dean leaned almost his entire body into Rick and gave Beth the most condescending smile he had ever seen.

 

Rick was shocked at how quickly Beth went from smiling innocent farm girl to scowling sneering Valkyrie. And judging by how Dean stiffened against Rick’s side he was slightly surprised too. Suddenly Rick’s head started to pound and anxiety welled up in his throat. Dean’s grip on his shoulder started to get tighter and tighter until he could feel the nails biting into his skin through his shirt.

Dean’s smile suddenly seemed more like a sneer as he leaned close to Beth and whispered “That way with Judy in your cell and out of our hair me and Rick will have more time to fuck.”

 

“Owe! Shit!” Rick had yanked himself out of Dean’s grip and slammed the heel of his boot down into the other man’s foot. It was almost funny how Dean hopped back on one foot, but the clear horror painted on Beth’s face sort of sucked the humor out of the situation.

 

Rick turned to the now very pale girl and mumbled a quick apology as he gripped Dean’s arm and dragged him out of the mess hall, the concerned whispers of his family following them out. He wasn’t sure but he could have sworn he had seen Daryl rise up and make an angry motion towards them before being jerked back down into his seat by Carol’s biting grip on his arm. _Probably wanted to come over and defend his girlfriend’s honor,_ Rick thought unkindly.

 

Once they were away from prying eyes Rick used his tight grip on the other man’s arm to throw him into the closest available wall. “What the _fuck_ was that?!” Rick spit in Dean’s face. If he hadn’t been so angry Rick might have been impressed by the clearly fake expression of innocence on Dean’s face. “Whatever do you mean Rick?” the batting lashes were the final straw.

 

Rick gripped both of Dean’s shoulders and slammed him into the wall so hard his head snapped back and made a satisfying cracking noise when it met the wall. “Are ya out of your fucking mind!...What am I saying of course your out of your fucking mind! But I had no idea you were that fucking stupid!” Rick pushed himself away from Dean, whose innocent expression had morphed into something much darker at hearing Rick call him stupid.

 

Undeterred by Dean’s obvious anger Rick continued on in his tirade. His voice was still hoarse from early activities and since he was unwilling to have this conversation overheard he tried to calm himself and lower his voice. “Ya can’t just say shit like that to people here Dean. They’re my family, every single one of them, ya can’t be tellin’ them about the stuff …the things we…” at a loss Rick just stood there staring at the other man. As the silences got heavier Dean got angrier.

 

“You mean to say you don’t want me braggin’ to everyone how good ya are at swallowing cock? How much ya wanted it? How much you fucking begged me for it!?” Dean’s voice shook with rage, Rick took a step back and lowered his head shame settling over him like a mourner’s shroud. Dean watched as Rick’s throat move trying to swallow down the bile and mash from dinner that rose up to choke him.

 

Dean pushed away from the wall and stood chest to chest to Rick forcing him to back up. Dean grabbed Rick’s stumbled jaw in a bruising grip making a small gasp slip from soft pink lips. He waited until Rick looked up and met his eyes. “You want me to hurt you because you think you deserve it. You want me to force you because you don’t want to be held accountable. You want me to break you because then _maybe_ you might actually feel something close to human again OR if you’re really lucky, maybe you’ll stop feeling anything at all.” The words felt like a million needles burrowing under Rick’s skin.

 

Dean brushed his thumb slowly across Rick’s lower lip, a facsimile of a proper lover’s touch. “But I’m here to tell you sweetheart it never works out that way.” Dean let go of Rick’s jaw and started to walk towards his cell, he stopped half way down the hall and looked back. Rick hadn’t moved a muscle he just stood there trying to stop the tremors running up and down his arms, trying to get his breathing back under control.

 

“What if I liked it?” It was spoken no louder than a whisper, but Dean still heard him.

 

“You didn’t like it Rick…believe me. No one could have enjoyed what I did to you in that cell.” Rick took a shuddering breath and turned to look at Dean.

 

“Maybe…but what if I need it? What if I need....to hurt?” For a split second something like sadness flashed across Dean’s face.

 

“Like I said before I’ll give you anything you think you need. But I know what you’re doin’ Rick I know what you’re trying to find and I can tell you from personal experience this ain’t the way to do it. There’s nothing but darkness at the end of this road you’re walking, but I love you...so I’ll walk down this road with you by your side…even if it kills me.” Dean started to walk away again “I’ll meet you in the watchtower when your shift starts...I just gotta grab something from my bag.”

 

“Yeah?...What’s that?”

 

“Something that will make you hurt.” Dean stopped suddenly but didn’t turn around “Oh, and Rick?”

 

“Yea...yeah?” Rick couldn’t decide if the tremor in his voice was from fear or anticipation. Either way it didn’t matter he wasn’t going to stop. Not until he bled out everything and _everyone_ who made him feel so fucking weak.

 

“That little blond bitch ever touches you again in front of me like that...I’ll slit her fucking throat.”

 

_Definitely fear._


End file.
